The Reluctant Mermaid

one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others

6/3/11

One Year

it's been one year since this

and I'm ok

I'm doing ok now.

In one year I had

people come out of the woodwork to pull me up,

rescuers near and far nursing me back to the land of the living

children to send to camp

a home to move

memories to pack up

or leave behind

or throw away

a camp to attend

creative projects to be involved in

efforts to make myself feel worth it

a child to send off to her first day of Kindergarten

and one to his first day of his last year in elementary school

a car to crash

a car to buy

a first holiday to make it through, which was spent with a dear friend and her loving family

a second holiday to make it through with help from my community

gifts of hope

and love

and a much more concrete plan to spend the day in celebration with my children

and then the new year

where I made it, after 5 years onto the state childcare subsidy program

spent time with my brother and his family in the snowy lovely woods of Maine

and went to see my loving sister and my beautiful nieces in the springtime rush of Georgia

and met the most JOYFUL women in my world

and had many bumps in the road in my work life

but stood my ground

and spoke from my heart in hopes of changing things

(still pending, but not entirely hopeless anymore)

I've taken care of the emotional needs of the children, especially the little one who has so many questions and only a limited amount of understanding as to why her life is so different now.

I've starting serving on a committee to enhance the arts in our schools here

which has been exciting and fulfilling.

I told the truth

and then explained the truth about the truth

I've

made it through countless childcare crises

money issues

sadness

pain

anger

a LOT of anger

and into the guidance of my Minister

who has given me fuel to make MY way

and told me that I have grace (who ME?)

and encouraged me to fight the good fight on behalf of my children

and their childcare

and a decision made without regard for the impact it would make on a few families in my town

and now I'm opening eyes

and encouraging spotlights to shine on the issue

and so far, so good in getting a response that MAY just change things

not only for myself but for the deserving families in this town.

I've been signing up for camps

getting scholarships to help

receiving news that my children will be aided in food and transportation to school next year

relieving one more worry that I can now put aside

In other words doing everything possible to take care of us, to take care of our needs, even if it means sucking it up and accepting help that is readily available.

Even if it means filling out miles and miles of paperwork and going to countless appointments.

Every effort

has been

entirely worth it

even if I don't sleep at night from worry

or geese

or a rooster

(myth: roosters only crow at dawn)

I've started getting back to ME

to my art


to my life

to my love

to my happy place.



7 comments:

Cindie said...

We always knew the mermaid was still swimming around inside, maybe more slowly, but still there, just waiting to pick up speed again. And now she can go on. There will be some sharks to avoid, some bumpy coral to navigate, but then the swimming will go full-speed again. The mermaid is free. And loved.

CathyMA said...

Dear Kat, before I got to the line where you say your Minister told you that you had grace, I was thinking that this is exactly what this beautiful list was. A list (long!!!) of the positives, the graces that you have been given throughout the hard year. And how obvious that you are now being used to create more positivity in your life. You are truly blessed Kat. :)

KB said...

a beautiful post, kat.

mindy said...

you are so strong. and amazing. you inspire me.

Wasabi Honey Bee said...

Hugs and supportive thoughts . . . I know the feeling, very well, and strength is an amazing thing because just when I have felt I had none . . . it returns just enough to make another day. Best wishes : )

jill nalette said...

i knew you had all these wonderful gifts and i'm so honored and proud to have you as a friend! the world is a better place for having you!

love you + very much miss you!
smiles~ jill

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