The Reluctant Mermaid

one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others


Project "Anti-Loser"

It's hard to imagine going through the crap that I've been through, that I haven't taken a hard blow to my self esteem. In fact, as I write this... I'm trying not to look at the faint reflection of my face that I leave on the monitor as I tap-tap-tap away because quite frankly, it's painful to feel good about it. I was, after all, left broken hearted- I wasn't enough, I wasn't the right KIND of person, I wasn't what he wanted. So. That sucks doesn't it?

I could have called this project any number of names:

"Project 'Stop Hating Myself'", "
"Project 'Feel Pretty Again'",
"Project 'Get OVER It'",
"Project 'Get my Groove Back'",
"Project 'You Are Not A Piece Of Crap'",
etc.. etc.. etc..

So, this "It was never about ME" thing? This way of trying to convince myself that I AM WORTH SOMETHING? This is how I envision it playing out:
"I do declare, from today onward to:
stop wearing crappy clothes,
and messy hair,
and stupid-ill fitting things
because I feel like a loser
and I feel like it doesn't matter"

"I promise to look myself in the the mirror,
to wear at least ONE of the following:
tinted lip gloss" (
bonus for wearing all three)

"I promise to wear at LEAST one thing that makes me feel special:
a shirt,
a smile"

"And I promise to say as many happy things to MYSELF as I try to say to other people"
"I love your outfit!"
"You have a nice smile!"
"You are so polite!"
"Have a great day!"

And I'll post a picture of that effort every day
to remind myself that I tried,
that I DID find a little happiness,
that I am worth it.

Ready to follow me? I'm freaked out that I will disappoint myself, but I'm also freaked out that this could actually work.

Starting with my pretty little shoes that make me feel so fancy.

2 comments: said...

I think this is great on so many levels...I am here cheering you on. xoxox

elissa said...

those shoes ARE fancy! I love them! And I love that you are doing this. Bravo woman.