The Reluctant Mermaid

one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others



This is it, the end of my blog. 
 I've been thinking, I just want to preserve things like this- every single thing I wrote, suspended in time.  It's my scrapbook of a former life containing a lot of love, a lot of self discovery, a LOT of parenting material, a little heartache, a lot of struggle, a lot of humor (a TON of humor actually) a lot of creativity... a lot of me.
I've gone away and come back many times.  I've just re-read every single word I ever wrote.  I've printed out the gems, sighed and rolled my eyes at the ridiculous few, cried at the ones that I wish I never wrote.
This is it, the end of my blog.
I'm saying goodbye to a lot of what
 I know but I'm also saying hello to a life that is INCREDIBLE and filled with so much of what I cried that I didn't have back then (shame on me).  I'm a survivor (aren't we all?), I'm a warrior (please believe that you are too), I am completely utterly in love with my life.  Thank you all for your love and support, the journey would have never thrived without you.
This is it, the end of my blog.



how to fix a chip in your glitter

I'm usually full of sparkle, at least I think I am
but occasionally
a little fleck falls to the floor and leaves an empty space
and I think I've discovered what to do when that happens
it involves:
an open mind
a willingness to become someone else for a little while
a sense of bravery
a "fuck it" attitude
total and utter honesty, no holds barred
not over thinking it
not over involving yourself
knowing you can walk away at any point
being frisky
laughing at how frisky you can be
swelling up with pride
feeling the ecstasy of freedom
rolling around in your own raw confidence
asking for what you need
DEMANDING what you want
saying what you like
being clear about what you don't
being passionate for yourself, not for anyone else
removing your heart from your body for good reason
and then putting it back on your own terms
sitting with your power
melting with your boldness
calling the shots
tasting all your success
congratulating yourself for taking healthy risks
and then
painting your fingers with brighter, shinier glitter
while doing a victory dance
in your soul


and then this happened....

Happy 7th Birthday to the most beautiful little flower in the whole wide world

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Found my "thing"

I think I found my groove. I found a way to make a little money that was honest and true to myself. I believe in the things I create. I believe in making beautiful things with the vintage inspired materials that I love. I believe in repurposing, I believe in individualizing, I believe in putting love, sweat and tears into what I create. So my friends, I present to you- the first "Another Round Please" catalog. Enjoy!
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this is my mother, Audrey
isn't she pretty?

she's really very sick
and I don't know what to do to help
because we haven't always been friends, friendly, loving
in fact, just last fall was the first time in about 6 years that we
hugged, said I love you, I miss you, I forgive you

she's really very sick
and I don't know what to do to help
so I call, I listen to her struggling to breath, 
telling her she doesn't have to talk to me if she's feeling out of breath
but I get the feeling that she's talking so much because it's been so long
and who knows.... anything could happen
and that really frightens me
and I don't know what to do with all those feelings...
because they're very new to me

it's really hard for me to imagine that she's so weak that she fell and couldn't move
it's very difficult to hear that she couldn't even yell for help

she was always mighty, always loud, I was really afraid of that as a child
because it was powerful, it was painful, all that yelling...
 all that smacking around
that fear

and now she can't stand up?  or talk? or breathe?
seriously?  I can't even imagine that!
it just doesn't seem right, 
this woman
my mother
so frail
and scared

She has a rare blood disease
and it's really hurting her
and she's in the hospital 
and she's lost so much
like her job
her health insurance
and almost all of her children's respect
but here I am, healing after six years
while she tries with all her might to heal herself
and it's not looking too good right now

So what I do is to look for services that can help her when she gets out
meals, nursing care, health insurance, social security
community support, etc. etc. etc
THAT is what I can do

oh- and tell her that I love her
because I do
I love her


good news: kidneys are out of danger
bad news: blood clots are in both her legs and lungs.  PLEASE let the bloodthinners work!
more bad news: moving her to a larger hospital, trying to find a blood donor match for a transfusion


trying to put things to rest

I've spent the last 2 weeks discovering  a buried treasure that I left neglected for years. 
 I uploaded 2 years of our life in photos and videos onto a website and then had amnesia...
 finding them again was like opening up a floodgate of emotion.  
Every night I put the kids to bed and spend an hour or two 
watching every video,  
or  gazing at every photo.
It made me realize something.  
In all the sadness and loss that I've experienced... at some point, I'm going to have to put things to rest. 
 I thought I already did. But then I didn't.  
Then I thought I did again,only to realize that it was still there haunting me. 
 I truly believed that I had to "get over it" but now I realize that "get over it" 
and "get through it" are two completely different things.  
So, I'll just do the best I can to put certain parts of it to rest.  
There may be times that those parts wake up for a while but I can always put them back to rest if I need to.  
Shhhhh..... baby's sleeping.


I need to listen more...

Katie's gift... light from the heavens shining upon it.

I've known Katie since she was a baby.  
An old boyfriend and I worked as servers at her parents Christmas party one year. 
 Fancy stuff there.  I'm pretty sure we got tipsy at the end from sipping the leftover cocktails.
And Katie was a bright blond smiling little creature.
It was soon after that that her parents discovered that she was mentally retarded and her life would never be what they imagined.
Fast forward 20 years (or so... ) 
Katie is a blond smiling little young adult, she pops in and out of businesses all over town,
getting to know the owners... striking up conversations with strangers. 
She's delightful.
She comes in to the shop that I work my Saturdays in.
And we've reconnected.
She asks me ALL the time for a specific dark chocolate that only comes from Nicaragua.
Which we don't have (of course)
And she tells me that she has a dollar to buy her dad some candy
Except he can't have sugar.
So silly
she knows she's being so silly
She always says "I love you" before she leaves the shop.

Today she came in and handed me three paper bags.
She said "this one is for you, that one is for Mary (like me, a part timer), the big one is for Jacqueline (the owner)"
She said 
"they're candles. 
 I bought them for all of you.  
I'm buttering you up so I can work here.  
Will Jacqueline hire me?"

I told her that she should come in on Monday and ask her then... I said "Katie you are a SWEETHEART!"
She walked right up to me... all 4'9" of her
She hugged me and said;
"Life goes on"

and that was it.
She walked out the door and turned to say "I love you"

I stood there KNOWING that Life, indeed does go on.
I'm listening.


Freezer Burn and Gummy Bears

sometimes we have freezer burned chicken for dinner
followed closely by gummy bears.

sometimes, especially after I pick a kid up at school or ballet rehearsal, or the library
I see Moms. 
Moms who manage to make rain boots look like designer shoes
Those types.
And I wonder what kind of granite topped kitchens they return home to
and what their kids do while they're waiting for dinner
playing in a big basement playroom?
finding a quiet moment in their very own room?
sitting at the counter while Mom chops their daily recommended dose of veggies 
on one of her many 5 foot long counters?
and then there is me.
I'm reaching into a bag of chicken nuggets, picking through the ones that are the least freezer burned.  
Toaster oven. squirt of ketchup. dinner is served.
We pile on the tiny, cat ripped couch... three in a row, grabbing lite-bright colored gummy bears
elbowing each other for personal space
because there is nowhere to escape for a quiet moment.
so I surrender... I give in and sit at the table staring into space while I shovel lukewarm packaged food
without even tasting it.
I lack the energy to encourage a family board game
because playing means we all have to sit on a cold, uncomfortable wooden floor
because that's all the free space we have.
5 square feet.
that's it.
and I beat myself up every minute of every day for living this way.

Today I asked Iris how it made her feel about never being able to have friends over.
She said, "I wish we didn't live here... 
I wish we had more space because I want my friends to see all of my things"
her one basket of stuffed animals, and one box of toys.
that's all the room we have for her "things"

What am I doing?
Am I giving up?
Giving in?
becoming numb to the situation?

Or am I the Mom who may not be perky in designer rain boots 
but can sure as
rock a sweatshirt like nobody's business.
Ya. I'm that Mom.