This hurts putting this out there.
I'm terribly depressed and have developed a deep insomnia that only powerful medicine can now (somewhat) cure.
Sage is getting terribly depressed and is retreating into his own sad world, clinging to me, and becoming less social. He reacts off of what I'm feeling, and since I'm not feeling great- he's not feeling great... we're so sensitive about each other. What I feel, he feels and vice-versa and it KILLS me that I'm doing this to him... no matter how hard I'm trying to keep my shit together.
I'm really worried about him
He's on three different medications.
I'm on two.
We're a hot mess.
I lost so much already, I feel like I'm losing a little of him too. I worry so much about him... I WORRY so much that I get so scared about him.
And then there is Iris. Who is our little rock. She's 5 and she's keeping things sane around here. And I feel guilty about that too. She comforts us both, she pitches in when I need her to, she does everything I ask her to do around here. She is 5. Five for christsakes! It's not fair to her.
We're sinking a little. And I can't pay for groceries, gas, Iris's school program. And that's just the truth of it. I can't even pretend that that's not what's going on in the secret lives of the Pevzners- because it's so "in your face" now... there is no hiding how much we're struggling.
I'm ashamed that I can't pull it together and save us.
I'm ashamed that my life fell apart and I couldn't stop it.
I'm ashamed that I can't look on the bright side, I can't just put on a happy face, I can't rise above it, I can't work any of those positive thoughts into my stress ravaged mind.
I'm failing my kids.
And I need help.
I want to be a good mom, the best I can.
I want to be a good friend, as good as the friends I have.
I want to not FEEL LIKE THIS all the time!!!
I want to be one of those "I don't know how she did it but she DID it" stories.,.
Help. I need help doing this. I need help finding the golden moments, help finding myself, help making my children see that I'm ok! I'm great! I've got this thing down.
Where do I start?
I know this might sound ugly and desperate and even pathetic... this is all being written in my state of panic- and I realize tomorrow I might read these words and tell myself that I was overreacting but right now- this moment- this is the truthiness of the matter.
photo by Sage... taken this summer at Camp Celiac... he called it "spotlight". It seemed so fitting because that's what I feel like I'm doing right now- really putting the facts of our life in the glaring spotlight