The Reluctant Mermaid

one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others



This hurts putting this out there.
I'm terribly depressed and have developed a deep insomnia that only powerful medicine can now (somewhat) cure.
Sage is getting terribly depressed and is retreating into his own sad world, clinging to me, and becoming less social. He reacts off of what I'm feeling, and since I'm not feeling great- he's not feeling great... we're so sensitive about each other. What I feel, he feels and vice-versa and it KILLS me that I'm doing this to him... no matter how hard I'm trying to keep my shit together.
I'm really worried about him
He's on three different medications.
I'm on two.
We're a hot mess.

I lost so much already, I feel like I'm losing a little of him too. I worry so much about him... I WORRY so much that I get so scared about him.
And then there is Iris. Who is our little rock. She's 5 and she's keeping things sane around here. And I feel guilty about that too. She comforts us both, she pitches in when I need her to, she does everything I ask her to do around here. She is 5. Five for christsakes! It's not fair to her.

We're sinking a little. And I can't pay for groceries, gas, Iris's school program. And that's just the truth of it. I can't even pretend that that's not what's going on in the secret lives of the Pevzners- because it's so "in your face" now... there is no hiding how much we're struggling.

I'm ashamed.
I'm ashamed that I can't pull it together and save us.
I'm ashamed that my life fell apart and I couldn't stop it.
I'm ashamed that I can't look on the bright side, I can't just put on a happy face, I can't rise above it, I can't work any of those positive thoughts into my stress ravaged mind.
I'm failing my kids.
I'm failing.
And I need help.

I want to be a good mom, the best I can.
I want to be a good friend, as good as the friends I have.
I want to not FEEL LIKE THIS all the time!!!
I want to be one of those "I don't know how she did it but she DID it" stories.,.

Help. I need help doing this. I need help finding the golden moments, help finding myself, help making my children see that I'm ok! I'm great! I've got this thing down.

Where do I start?

I know this might sound ugly and desperate and even pathetic... this is all being written in my state of panic- and I realize tomorrow I might read these words and tell myself that I was overreacting but right now- this moment- this is the truthiness of the matter.

photo by Sage... taken this summer at Camp Celiac... he called it "spotlight". It seemed so fitting because that's what I feel like I'm doing right now- really putting the facts of our life in the glaring spotlight


Anonymous said...

There is book that I'm working through right now that I think might offer you some perspective :: The Gifts of Imperfection:

I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. If it helps, I know many of us worry about how our mental states affect our kids and their health and well-being, without going through such a stressful and life-altering change. I think it's hard to compare where you are with your thoughts on where you think you _should be_ since there is no road map to your experience. So the fact that you think about this at all is a good sign, and that you reach out... even better. I hope you find a light to your darkness soon.

Anonymous said...

My name is Vanessa, I'm an Australian photographer and I just want you to know I'll be your friend ok? That's all, I'll hold your hand across the thousands of miles and I'll listen and I'll help and I'll do whatever I can to make your life (which is too much for one poor person to handle all at one) a bit better, Vx

jill nalette said...

oh my amazing kat, i want to get in my car and drive down to give you the HUGEST of HUGEST of hugs. i love you so much and asking for help makes me love you even more. you and your kiddios do NOT deserve to feel this way. life gave you some hard cards my dear, but it's up to you do keep going and NEVER fold.
i LOVE you, kat. you are a wonderful friend of mine that i hold in my heart.

xoxoxo~ jill

~Kat~ said...

wow.. thank you so much.
Cheryl? Is that you from Magic Beans?
Vanessa... nice to meet you, thank you for being so sweet
Jill- I love you right back my sweet girl

Anonymous said...


The first step is admitting you need help. I wish I was closer to help you. I do hope that one of your wonderful local friends can steer you in the right direction. There are tons of programs to help you get thru the rough patches. You just gotta know where to look. Love you babe!

Afton said...

My sister had a rotten few days and so my other sister sent her the link to I loved it and thought how we could all use a little sign around our necks sometimes to have people be more gentle and helpful with us and our situations. Then I read your comment and my heart went out to you. I have two kids, one on the way, and I can't imagine doing it alone as it sounds like you've been doing. I wish you were closer and my daughter could play with yours and we'd lift each other. But like Vanessa, I'm a long ways away from you so it seems you'll just be a friend across the internet. I'll keep you in my prayers though, I'm a believer that they work. Go get yourself some sleep first off! There has got to be someone around who can help you while you get a nap, then I'm sure it will be a smidge easier after some sleep. And that goes for me too and my little early risers so I'm off to bed myself. Take care, good luck, and hang in there! You will be the kind of person that DID it as you say.

Afton said...

Just re-read and saw the insomnia and heavy meds bit. Darn it! I hope your body will give you a break to get that sleep!

Anonymous said...

Kat :: It is Cheryl from Magic Beans... I'm surprised and impressed you remembered that. I've been reading your blog ever since we talked last year, although I haven't commented as much as I should have.

~Kat~ said...

I remember all our customers... we all do that, because it's the kind of company where we take the time to get to know people I think.
I don't work there any more... I miss it in a lot of ways (okay, except the time that a woman screamed at me and called me an idiot because the stroller she wanted was out of stock with the manufacturer) what I can't believe is that you've been following my insane life! haha...
I remember you telling me that you had a blog and did product reviews sometimes, and I remember that unfortunate experience you had with that little wooden trike :( .
Good to see you... do you still shop there?

jenica said...

woman love.
love you so much.
so proud of you for speaking your truth.
good is coming your way, i can feel it.