The Reluctant Mermaid

one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others

3/23/09

getting lost (but still totally link-happy)



I have some great things going on right now... I'm being pushed further and further toward what I think I was put on this earth for- teaching (not in the traditional sense of course- why would anyone assume I was traditional), crafting, and experimenting and creating (but could I PLEASE just find my one thing and stick to it?), journeying, (well I guess that blows my plea about crafting), learning (always learning... all about the learning), finding everyday joy in my little family, mentoring and leading (and here in lies the problem... of which I am about to partake in whining about)

I am not a born leader. It took me years to step out after hiding behind my parents legs in public when I was a kid for people to realize that in fact, my parents had 4 children- not 3... the 4th one was always too shy to have a voice, much less a physical presence when we were outside of our home... that was me.

So now I'm 34. I've learned to try to be a leader through an amazing organization. I'm still panicky and my heart still races and the self doubt still comes but one thing that's been happening lately in my new-found outspoken-ness... I've been putting my foot in my mouth. A lot. And it doesn't taste very good.

I don't know how to find balance between finding remedies for tense situations that arise in my leadership role and finding allies that are on my side in finding justice for the tension. What I mean by that is that sometimes I get so fired up about the problem that I become the problem. What I say starts to become a translucent fabric because how I say it becomes a scratchy wool blanket that nobody seems to want to hold. I think that I'm putting my thoughts out there of how frustrated I am by a stressful situation but I think instead, I spend so much time getting upset and trying to pull people in to that frustration with me that I forget that they might not even have felt that way to begin with... that maybe it really WAS just my problem.

But then there is the flipside. I need support. I need a LOT of support in my leadership. That's how I became a leader in the first place... because I had a whole stadium of supporters. But what are they supporting? I'm starting to question that? Because right now it feels like they are supporting me... who is standing there by myself... very vulnerable and scared and VERY alone... and they're cheering me on- thinking that they are encouraging me to lead... by myself... all alone... just me. I wish I had the words to say that that's not the support I want. I want the kind where they are standing beside me- taking on as much as I'm taking on. Solving the problems TOGETHER with me instead of turning me away and saying "I'm sorry, I can't get involved"

I crumple easily. One minute I'm fine and then someone says something that triggers my inner 4 year old and I want a grown up to hide behind.
I am so sensitive. I hurt so deeply and feel so deeply that my soul is probably sporting some pretty bad scar tissue by now.

So how do I get what I need, but say what I can offer too without being so caught up in what isn't working for me. How can I take my new found leadership and leave all the personal feelings out of it so that I am calm and neutral and not freaking out and spitting all that negativity onto the people who are suppose to be on my team?

I think I'm alienating myself- but at the same time I can't do this all alone. I'm starting to doubt that I should ever have been handed this delicate egg of leadership when my nest was a little rag-tag to begin with. "I can do this... I can't do this... I can do this... I can't do this" is the chant that often battles inside my head...

I'm all alone- I'm getting lost- I can't find my voice anywhere.

3 comments:

Audri said...

You just have to have faith. Toss all your worries into the universe. Let the universe worry about them. You have to turn down the "sensitive receptor". I can't always do it, but in order to have a happy productive life, you gotta attempt. Some days I am sucessful, some days I fail miserably with that, BUT overall, I am more glad when I attempt than when I hide. Did that help at all? xoxox Thanks for the birthday wishes love!

Yarasawat (BatGirl!) said...

Kat: On your worst day, you still have the power to show that getting the job done doesn't take a perfect person. Or if you don't get the job done, you can show that SOMEbody is getting up there to try to do it, which is more than can be said for anyone else. You'll always be your own worst critic, because anyone worth their salt is. The day you see Angelina Jolie in the mirror (whatever you think of her, she makes it look pretty frickin' easy), you'll have failed, but not until then. So take it a little easy on yourself. Taking it hard will come naturally!

jenica said...

i hope you're doing better day by day, seeking out goodness, relishing in the beauty around you. how are your feelings changing by the magic of mermaid camp? ;-D

xoxo