The Reluctant Mermaid

one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others


Freezer Burn and Gummy Bears

sometimes we have freezer burned chicken for dinner
followed closely by gummy bears.

sometimes, especially after I pick a kid up at school or ballet rehearsal, or the library
I see Moms. 
Moms who manage to make rain boots look like designer shoes
Those types.
And I wonder what kind of granite topped kitchens they return home to
and what their kids do while they're waiting for dinner
playing in a big basement playroom?
finding a quiet moment in their very own room?
sitting at the counter while Mom chops their daily recommended dose of veggies 
on one of her many 5 foot long counters?
and then there is me.
I'm reaching into a bag of chicken nuggets, picking through the ones that are the least freezer burned.  
Toaster oven. squirt of ketchup. dinner is served.
We pile on the tiny, cat ripped couch... three in a row, grabbing lite-bright colored gummy bears
elbowing each other for personal space
because there is nowhere to escape for a quiet moment.
so I surrender... I give in and sit at the table staring into space while I shovel lukewarm packaged food
without even tasting it.
I lack the energy to encourage a family board game
because playing means we all have to sit on a cold, uncomfortable wooden floor
because that's all the free space we have.
5 square feet.
that's it.
and I beat myself up every minute of every day for living this way.

Today I asked Iris how it made her feel about never being able to have friends over.
She said, "I wish we didn't live here... 
I wish we had more space because I want my friends to see all of my things"
her one basket of stuffed animals, and one box of toys.
that's all the room we have for her "things"

What am I doing?
Am I giving up?
Giving in?
becoming numb to the situation?

Or am I the Mom who may not be perky in designer rain boots 
but can sure as
rock a sweatshirt like nobody's business.
Ya. I'm that Mom.


Cindie White-Weiss said...

I am sad now. I work so hard to save animals in shelters all across the country, but in my own town, indeed in my own heart, there are humans who are working so hard just to... fit in? Be average? Be normal in the Deluxbury notion of normal? OMG I live in a town where there are lawn signs thanking the bus drivers. REALLY?!? This is not their life's mission, driving your kids down Washington Street, ti's just a job! So once again, may I say to a certain man, YOU SUCK. You are a selfish coward. My Girl and My Boy will far supercede anything you have done with your drum or chanting. They will be brilliant. They will succeed. Nothing less. Because they have an amazing... AMAZING mother who cares and works so much for them. And they have me. And their mom should remember that. I am here for you all.

Cindie White-Weiss said...


Eric P said...

Those moms you're jealous of have the energy to do that stuff cause they're snorting coke off those counters. Rock your sweats, love your kids, & don't let that idiot voice in your head tell you that anyone else has their shit together.