The Reluctant Mermaid

one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others

5/30/12

Dream a little dream


This morning I woke up sad.  Flashes of my dreams ran like a slideshow across my memory.  It was a dream of disappointment.  I dreamed that my anger made me physically hurt someone because my children were exposed to something they weren't ready for.  I dreamed that I was taken advantage of although the dream included me, fighting back.  I dreamed that one person that I can always call on for strong support told me that she just couldn't listen to me anymore.  I dreamed that I lied to her, to convince her that I wasn't asking for what I usually asked for and she fell for it.  I dreamed that I drove a car through a thrift store because I wanted to intimidate the shoppers who were stealing MY good deals.  
Ugh.
I'm awake now.  WIDE awake and wondering what the hell that was all about.  Awake and saddened by what my brain put me through last night.  Why does that happen?  As if I didn't feel enough heartache during the day, my head thought I could handle more heartache in my sleep?
Lately I've been feeling like I lost.  I feel like I lost a relationship with some of my family members.  It's just not the same, something happened in the past year and I feel like it caused a big shut down.  It hurts.
I've been feeling the loss of  my marriage lately too.  Although I'm in a MUCH better place feeling MUCH more peace, still..... it hurts.
I've been feeling like I can't find my place in most of my relationships with those around me.  I reflect so much lately on mistakes that I've made with those I love and reflecting on way too many times that I let myself speak before thinking about what I was going to say, how I was going to say it and what the impact of what I was going to say might have on the person I said it to.
I think these dreams happened because I need to take a better look at what is going on.  Am I too angry?  Am I feeling guilty?  Am I feeling like I lost control?
Maybe I'll dream all the answers that I need tonight.
Until then, I'm going to try my best today to shake that feeling of sadness that woke me up this morning.