A wolf in sheeps clothing
Just a quick note, I apparently don't know how to count, I skipped day 4. Did anyone notice?
Anyways- what I want to say about today and my attempt at prettiness is this: My grief has been like a hungry rabid animal. Trying to tear me to bits, growling and cornering me, intimidating me with it's claws. Like a wolf. That wolf made me think that I wasn't worth saving, that there was nothing special about me to make it stop attacking. Making me very frightened of it's eventual bite. It was a bite I can't afford to experience because, well, if I give up- if I lay down and surrender, it would break my childrens hearts.
So I kindly asked that wolf one day if it could go undercover in the waking hours when my kids were running circles around me, asking for chips, chocolate milk, a trip to the library, another piece of candy "pleasepleaseplease oh PLEASE!". I wanted that grief to disguise itself as someone who really had thier shit together... who was kind and gentle and understanding. As gentle as a sheep.
For a while we agreed. And I kept it together. And then I noticed something. The more I ignored that freakin' monster- the more I was actually able to start standing taller, more brave and bold and empowered, the more that wolf started looking like just a tamed little dog. Today, I still have moments when I look in the mirror and see that menace hanging out over my shoulder. But not today.
Today I wear this necklace. It's wool! It's made of sheeps wool, rolled into these little felted wool beads. Isn't this amazing? I have to confess it itches my neck a wee little bit... but it's a whole lot more tolerable than a claw stuck in my back.