It took me a little bit of time to put words down for this post... so I let the beautiful music sit here- like elevator music, waiting to get to the right floor.
So now we're here. We Are. And what I want to say is this:
I feel like I keep trying to go on this journey of creativity...
and I feel like stuff keeps getting in the way.
I feel like my journey is just a copy of what other women's journey's are and not truly authentic.
I feel like the thing that was motivating me more than the actual journey was the possible exposure and feedback I was hoping for from other journeying women.
I feel like I needed validation that I was part of the group.
I feel like the group is kind of exclusive... even though they are probably more open than I think they are.
I feel like my shyness gets in the way.
I feel like my creativity isn't good enough.
I feel like my children need another glass of apple juice, another snack, another cuddle, another intervention from the fighting and arguing... and I don't mind- I'm their mother and that is my job and I love my job.
I feel a little lonely sometimes.
So- it's all good, it's all good... I just think I need to go into my own head and my own heart and really put effort into what I need for myself. Where I really find my own creativity. And although it's been incredibly motivating to get this kick in the rear from the several projects I started, my effort has to be for me, and not (as I've been doing) for the recognition from others. That wasn't the intention that I had at first,,, but the more involved I got with the creativity projects, the more I felt I was doing the activities for the sake of the project, not for the sake of my creative spirit.
SO- there IS one more project that I'm going to try to immerse myself in... and I really do want company for this project... so I'm going to try to reach out to those in my everyday life, those I see or talk to on an every day basis, those who I really know and they really know me. Because I need the comfort of my community. A physical hand to hold, a real, live, warm shoulder to lean on and my own arms to embrace them when they need it as well.
I'm going to try to plan a retreat. A womans retreat. And yes, I really do wish that all the women who I have made connections with online, but are so far in miles... I really DO wish that we could retreat together as well... because without them, without their cheerleading for me and my creative journey- I don't know if I would have been able to put the brakes on this car ride and pull over and take in the scenery.
I'll let you all know how that's going... what that looks like... but until then, please sit back and enjoy the music with your eyes closed and your heart open.