The Reluctant Mermaid

one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others

6/3/08

oh dear


Here's my teeny tiny babygirl, just 4 weeks old. On a boat, in a sling, in Plymouth Harbor. (and that's my dad wearing my niece Laura in the sling behind us... isn't that adorable!)
She is so tiny and pink (and I'm gushing with love and flushed with new baby euphoria... oh, and interestingly enough about 20lbs lighter after birth than I am today... I gotta do something about that) ahem.... anyhow...
The point is, right now I feel like she's still just that small. Like today for instance, her third day of daycare. The third day in which she cried on and off all day- clinging to her Hello Kitty pillow backpack and never once letting go all day long. I walked into the room and she looked like she was about to explode with relief, raw emotions of being there all day made her burst with fresh tears.
And she's just.so.tiny...

This is not what I wanted for her, not when she was that wee little one in that picture.
I am overcome with feelings right now. Wanting to push the world aside and elbow my way to her rescue. Wanting to tell the credit card and oil company to go screw themselves... maybe even send them a picture of her looking like a lost little kitten... all so they might understand why I can't work; why I can't pay them what we pay them. "Because my child needs me!" I could tell them.
"Because my heart feels ripped open when the teachers pry her off of me so I can race to work" I would say.
"Because I shouldn't have to chose between my babygirl, my tiny little babydoll and heat." I should say.

But, (sigh) instead I have to tell her how proud I am, how brave she is, how good she is being, that I will ALWAYS come back for her at the end of the day, that I love her with all my heart.
And then I have to convince myself that this is NOT breaking her spirit little by little... even though I won't ever believe myself.

6 comments:

audrirene said...

Okay, that is heart breaking! I would be posting the same thing but summer is here and I am paying my 14 year old to watch Jack-Jack. In Sept, I am sure I will be going thru these same emotions as you are! Life is expensive and it shouldn't be this hard! I wish you only the best and will think good thoughts for you both to get thru this will no ill feelings. {{{hugs}}}

Schriftstellar said...

Oh hon...I can't know how this feels for you, and I won't pretend to know. I've only been on the other side of it---as I know you have, too---and so I understand, the littlest bit, what a hard transition this can be. I know this isn't what you wanted, either; of course it's not and of course it's heartbreaking to have to do it. Call me if you need to, okay? I'll be around all day tomorrow.

<3

Shelly! said...

Oh dear, oh dear. If only I could write something that would help. The only thing I can say is that I know exactly what you are feeling (or at least that which you've expressed) because I am in the same boat. It is heartwrenching.

Renee said...

I have had that feeling and it is horrible. I am so lucky to have moved (though I could have done without the circumstances surrounding the move) to have my mom close by to watch the girls. It was just too hard to put Morgan in daycare. They do adjust and she will be fine -- it is you that will have the hard time. I wish you didn't have to choose. I hate bills.

Anonymous said...

Kat
you love her and you are doing the best for her that you can, thats all we can do

Take care K
MJ

catebrook said...

OMG! I HATE bills! I really do think that your daughter will always know that you would rather be with her, that is very clear from your post. She will know that you have to work to live and not that you are working so you can have some lavish lifestyle. Huge difference I think that is completely lost on some parents. Heartbreak for your children makes you a great mother you know.