Every so often, in my marriage... I hit this "missed connection" stage where I feel like nothing fits, nothing goes right, nothing is communicated in an effective way. So we just live the days, "coping" with each other until something, usually something out of our control, forces us to come crashing together in "togetherness"... and from there we just seem to find the way back to being "us".
But it's the waiting that gets me. Waiting for something, other than either one of us to initiate a bond.
Sometimes the remote control to the television becomes more than the way to change channels, sometimes it becomes the vehicle in which I get upset because he has not effectively communicated the fact that the game is on and he intended to watch every single solitary second of it.... even though he never even blinks at it the first 3/4 of the season when they're just doing "so-so". Stupid fairweather fan... that's not nice to only root for your team when they're on their way to the World Series.
Sometimes, instead of just SAYING "I need for you to practically beg me to be intimate with you because I have no MoJo right now" I shrug him off and tell him his beard hurts my shoulder when he's clinging to me in hopes that that's enough of a "hint" for me. Those hints are too subtle for me to take seriously... it's easier for me to find excuses when a tight snuggle is his idea of "let's get it on".
Sometimes, I just want HIM to be the parent who empties the big urchins backpack after school, scouring the homework folder for notices and paying special close attention to any worksheets and the happy faced comments that the teacher places upon a job well done. But it's not even in his radar sometimes.
Look- I don't want to turn what, usually is a poetic love story about my husband here a into "that sonnuva___ch!" rant. That's so far from where I am. He's so far from ever earning that kind of rath from me.
I just hate being stuck.
I hate that I can't just SAY the words "I'm feeling distant" or TAKE the action that it would take for us to not be so distant.
Sometimes I'm just leaving on a jet plane... don't know when I'll be back again...