The Reluctant Mermaid

etsy-ing it up

2011-10-30T17:46:00.003-05:00

look who has an etsy shop!

Another Round Please is now open for business...

(please excuse the lack of wreaths, I'm making them as fast as I can and selling them QUICKLY!)

RAW

2011-09-24T08:36:00.014-05:00

I drove to NH last Tuesday night... so nervous that I was doing something so crazy... driving 2 hours after a long workday and then back home? I'm glad I don't take myself seriously sometimes because it was a beautiful trip.
Here's what happened:
It started with this

which turned into this

where I met these lovely ladies: (please click thier names, you won't be sorry, some of them have beautifully captured our magical get-together)

Nina (the whole self) our beautiful hostess

Jenica (out of ashes)

Mindy (under a pink sky) and (wishstudio)

Jill (finding my way)

Jess (seek your course)

Anna-Marie (sacred space studios)

Miranda (studio mothers) (creativity coaching for creative mothers) and (pen and press)

Teena (little bird by funky mommy)

and

Maya (this every moment) and (one paragraph at a time)

and ended with this:

CAKE break!

2011-08-27T19:26:00.004-05:00

it is my usual customer to offer you up a cupcake (or two or ten) when I need to take a break from TRM to pull my shit together. But, since I have eaten them all myself due to an unusually high stress volume, I'll offer you a leftover slice of Sage's 11th Birthday cake- made gluten free by Sugar Plum Bakery.

During this time I hope to answer the following questions (or maybe you could just answer them for me)

1- did facebook kill my blog?

2- I made a committment to bring all my supplies here once my very dear friend moved, I sorted through what I could keep to work on productively while in my tiny little space... but haven't done a freaking thing. Where did that committment go?

3- I don't work for the devil anymore but I'm still feeling the burn. How do I heal from that?

4- co-parenting with an idiot. any ideas?

5- where the fuck is my red bracelet? Has anyone seen it?

6- dating. want to? need to? scared to?

So there we have it... see you soon.

Eleven

2011-08-17T09:45:00.003-05:00

Mr. Big Man is now fully immersed in the land of technology. Yup. It happened. He grew up and into the "I'm smarter than you are" phase and it's ok... as long as he maintains his outstanding gentleness and politeness skills. I can't believe he's eleven. And headed into middle school. It feels so strange that eleven years ago he was born, really sick, I was unable to hold him... just rub his little head with a steralized glove through a little hole in an incubator before he was rushed up to Boston, where they fixed him. Thank God for doctors.

He's smart, yes. But he's also thoughtful and hysterical. And he's my boy, and I'm proud of how he's growing.

Here are some great photos he's been taking lately:

Six

2011-07-13T09:03:00.001-05:00

from stylish

to sassy

to so full of beauty and grace

You are six, you are wonderful and you are ours.

One Year

2011-06-03T08:26:00.005-05:00

it's been one year since this

and I'm ok

I'm doing ok now.

In one year I had

people come out of the woodwork to pull me up,

rescuers near and far nursing me back to the land of the living

children to send to camp

a home to move

memories to pack up

or leave behind

or throw away

a camp to attend

creative projects to be involved in

efforts to make myself feel worth it

a child to send off to her first day of Kindergarten

and one to his first day of his last year in elementary school

a car to crash

a car to buy

a first holiday to make it through, which was spent with a dear friend and her loving family

a second holiday to make it through with help from my community

gifts of hope

and love

and a much more concrete plan to spend the day in celebration with my children

and then the new year

where I made it, after 5 years onto the state childcare subsidy program

spent time with my brother and his family in the snowy lovely woods of Maine

and went to see my loving sister and my beautiful nieces in the springtime rush of Georgia

and met the most JOYFUL women in my world

and had many bumps in the road in my work life

but stood my ground

and spoke from my heart in hopes of changing things

(still pending, but not entirely hopeless anymore)

I've taken care of the emotional needs of the children, especially the little one who has so many questions and only a limited amount of understanding as to why her life is so different now.

I've starting serving on a committee to enhance the arts in our schools here

which has been exciting and fulfilling.

I told the truth

and then explained the truth about the truth

I've

made it through countless childcare crises

money issues

sadness

pain

anger

a LOT of anger

and into the guidance of my Minister

who has given me fuel to make MY way

and told me that I have grace (who ME?)

and encouraged me to fight the good fight on behalf of my children

and their childcare

and a decision made without regard for the impact it would make on a few families in my town

and now I'm opening eyes

and encouraging spotlights to shine on the issue

and so far, so good in getting a response that MAY just change things

not only for myself but for the deserving families in this town.

I've been signing up for camps

getting scholarships to help

receiving news that my children will be aided in food and transportation to school next year

relieving one more worry that I can now put aside

In other words doing everything possible to take care of us, to take care of our needs, even if it means sucking it up and accepting help that is readily available.

Even if it means filling out miles and miles of paperwork and going to countless appointments.

Every effort

has been

entirely worth it

even if I don't sleep at night from worry

or geese

or a rooster

(myth: roosters only crow at dawn)

I've started getting back to ME

to my art

to my creativity

to my life

to my love

to my happy place.

Sundays

2011-05-22T07:29:00.002-05:00

Sundays are really hard. It's the one morning of the week that I wake up, alone in the apartment except for the cat at the end of my bed who is always staring at me the minute I open my eyes. How long has he been staring at me? It's creepy.
Monday through Saturday, the thought of Sunday sounds delicious, full of hope, full of creativity, full of rest for this weary body that works 6 days a week.
Sunday is mine.
Sunday is supposed to be my day.
But Sunday is lonely.

I have grand plans through the week
"this Sunday I'm going to go for a walk around Powder Point"
"this Sunday I'll take my bike out and maybe ride across the bridge"
"this Sunday I'll go to "the studio".....
and what. what? what am I going to do there?
My paints are organized by size, waiting for me on a shelf
My paper is stacked veritcally, waiting for me on another shelf
And I spend every Sunday, ignoring the grand plans in my mind, and finding many reasons why I just can't do any of those things I dream of all week.

I think I'm stuck. I miss my children. I don't know how to just BE.
What is it going to take to get me going, back to that stack of unfinished paintings?

Sweets for the sweet

2011-05-11T06:31:00.002-05:00

It's been a MONTH since my last post!

Oh my!

It's been a busy one... and when I find a moment of quiet I'll share.

But for now, enjoy the sweetness of life.

Or these cookies and marzipan.

Delish.

I feel a happy disaster coming on!

2011-04-11T06:12:00.004-05:00

Springtime, time to create... time to focus and gather and relish messy hands. Time to step into my space, take stock of my materials, cross my fingers that the freeze didn't ruin any of my supplies and time to start planning. I want to start off with a bang. I want to just dive off the cliff into a cloud of paint, or land in the arms of some fabric. I want you to join me. Will you? I want to start planning a night. A RAW night. What is RAW? Well, you can read about it here:

Living Within the RAW: How Women Who Live a Truthful Life Bequeath An Artful Life

It was written by one of my artistic heros, Jenica xoxo

Let's play. Don't live in my town? That's ok! I'm 35 minutes south of Boston right on the ocean so make the journey! It's worth it, I promise! I want a Springtime gathering... I bet you do too... Leave me a message, contact me on facebook, send me an email (button is on the right).

Let's DO this thing!

cracked

2011-03-28T15:53:00.002-05:00

I keep putting all my eggs in one basket, and then tripping over myself while I carry them. I thought getting away and taking a little break would help, but it just made it harder to come back. I think I'll take a little break now, before I really crack. Anyone who would still like to guest spot for me would be welcome with open arms. Just let me know. And please, enjoy these eggs... they belong to some pretty little feathered gals in Georgia at my sisters house. They were delicious.

Where am I?

2011-03-02T10:10:00.005-05:00

I've been thinking lately about all the art and all the crafting I used to do. Used to. I know that a lot of that halted with the move to our apartment, where every square inch is taken up by just living. Now, this post is not at all a post where I feel sorry for myself, so please don't feel sorry for me. It's an honest and true reflection of where my thoughts are lately.

It's been hard to step away from it all... and really look from the outside in as to where I was even going with what I was creating. I dabble, I'm a dabbler and I am coming to the realization more and more that I really have no direction. I do what I feel like doing at the moment; making a necklace, painting a picture, collaging, writing, making wreaths, sewing. Does that make me an artist? I kinda don't think that it does. I don't have a "thing" that is my "thing". I see other peoples work, I read wonderful blogs and have many books that inspire me... and I dream of making these things myself. But, am I making them unique just for me or am I just copying what I see... I kinda think I'm a copier.

So, where does that leave me? I need to figure it out. Spring is almost here, all of my supplies are stored at my dear friends house where she has given me space. I'm hoping upon hope that my paints and my glues have not been destroyed in the unheated garage loft where they've been hibernating in the freezing cold.

Am I going to find these things when the weather is better, and not know what to do with them anymore?

What if I unpack all of my things and don't feel anything?

What if the winter, and the changes in my life and the length of time I've spent away from creating makes creating anything impossible.

What is mine?

What is someone elses that I copied?

What if I don't love this anymore?

What if I don't know how to find my creative voice?

What if I don't remember where I was going with this tree painting?

How do I do this?

Where am I in all of this... where am I?

*********************************************

I just wanted to follow up with a very special comment that was left on my facebook page by an incredibly awesome friend (who I STILL need to get together with... LISA! We need to make a plan!) She shared something that just completely says it ALL:

"Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street sign...s, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from - it’s where you take them to."
— Jim Jarmusch

eyes

2011-03-01T06:26:00.000-05:00

I just happen to think that my children have the most beautiful eyes in the world.

the end.

It's a Major Award. I won it!

2011-02-24T20:29:00.006-05:00

I won an award! It's the "Stylish Blogger Award" it sounds so fancy I almost feel like I have to be wearing my fancy drawers just to accept it.

thank you so very much to my new blog friend, Christine of LiveLaughLoveLiquor where she is currently lobbying the fast food industry executives for "Mommy Hour", it's like "Happy Hour" but for Moms... who are about to blow... and need a McVodka. Stat.

Thank you so much!

So I accept this award under the following rules:
1. I must disclose some things about myself

2. Link back the awarding blog, (done! check out livelaughloveliquor).
3. Share the love and name 15 blogs I’m into.
M'kay? Great!

So here I go... disclosing:

My middle name is Audrey

I've broken my left wrist 3 times

I recently stepped completely outside my comfort zone and did something crazy!

I don't always tell people important details (snickersnicker)

and

one of my favorite childhood memories (besides the farm stand) was in the winter, skating on our own little "bog". My dad would plow a skating rink and a hockey rink when it snowed, he rigged up a spotlight so we could skate at night, he put out a trashcan and a picnic table so that all the neighborhood kids could sit and pull on thier skates, or have a snack and not throw the trash on the ground... it was pure heaven to lay on my back, on the ice, and feel the quiet cold air around me, and look up at the enormous white winter sky and know that I had a place in the world.

2. done

and 3 (this is so hard!!!) here are 15 blogs that I would like to also pass the Stylish Blogger Award baton to:

A Playground of Imagination, Beauty and Love

One Gal's Trash

My Little Orange Kitchen

Just Beautiful Me

Trust Tending

Hippy Urban Girl

Elbow, Elbow, Wrist, Faceplant

The World Was Turning

GO SOX!

2011-02-22T07:25:00.004-05:00

it was super hard to get this cat motivated to help out. He was too exhausted from being a pain in the ass at 2 am when he tried with all his might to knock over my glass of water that was on my nightstand. But, I told him to suck it up, play fair, support our team (GO SOX! We hope you're kicking some ass and working off your winter lazies at Spring Training!) He finally conceded and picked a winner.... CONGRATULATIONS!

Celisa! If you could just be a sweetie-pie and email me your address then sometime in the next month or so (gotta keep my motivation realistic here) you will get a sweet little birdie wreath, featuring vintage ribbon and vintage jewelry!

To get love, you have to give it away

2011-02-18T14:29:00.010-05:00

Everyone needs someone to love.

I love you and I hope you love me too.

Time to come out of the woodwork friends and lurkers, tell me what you love and I'll pick a name on Monday to send this little bird wreath to, easy peasy:

and please tell me you've seen this

COMMENTS CLOSED! Thank you all for "putting a bird on it"

Spill It

2011-02-12T11:09:00.005-05:00

I just saw something on my friend Nina's page that made me immediately want to share.

but

it's a little frightening to do that isn't it?

to share?

things that people didn't know before?

to confess?

but she was inspired to do it, after reading about someone else who did it

and now I'm inspired to do it after reading that she did it after reading someone else who did it.

got it?

good.

here are 6 things that I would like to confess:

1. I threw away all the sugar in my house in a quest to help us all be healthier, but I keep a secret stash of m&m's for myself.

2. When my kids go to thier Dad's for the weekend, I sit on the couch, completely immobilized by my longing to be with them and not knowing what to do with myself. Sometimes I sit there for almost 7 hours watching tv. I've seen every single episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and also Top Chef and Jersey Shore.

3. I have a body-focus disorder that is impulsive and compulsive that gives me urges that I can't control. I've had it since I was 10.

4. I don't miss being married to Alex anymore. And in fact, I'm glad I'm not.

5. When I was in 9th grade, someone wrote a fake suicide note and signed my name to it and left it on a teachers door. I was called to the school psychologist who had called the police and the police were coming to get me to take me to a hospital. I didn't write that note, but someone did it because they hated me. And knowing that someone hated me that much to do something like that to me made me want to write a note of my own. I don't think I'll ever get over that. I think about it all the time still.

6. I like to use crunchy almond butter as a dip for potato chips.

Things I love with all my heart

2011-02-03T07:41:00.008-05:00

I love these two glorious children. They're perfect in my eyes.

I love reading things that blow my mind.

I love retreats (check out this virtual awesomness!)

I love my purple boot slippers from my little sister in law

I love mermaids

and fat snowflakes

and hazelnut hot cocoa

I love poetry that is full of heart

I love giving to others

I love making pretty things

I love brushing crazy fuzzy morning hair into beautiful little ringlets

I love turkey pumpkin chili

I love the smell of my new shampoo

I love my friend who inspires me to JUST DO IT! DO IT!

I love getting my paycheck

I love that I have guest posts here (anyone else game?)

I love this art

and this art too

and I love this new tutorial I found and my plan to make a million of them

and I love etsy and how it inspires me

and I love

THIS COLOR

and I'm trying to love myself

and I'm trying to love myself.

when life gives you lemons, ask Melissa what to do with them.

2011-02-01T08:16:00.005-05:00

I love this chick. She makes me laugh all the time, ALL the time! Sometimes our brains are totally in synch and we end up texting/facebooking/blogging/emailing at the same time.

Funny thing, I've never met this pretty gal. True that.

BUT

does it seriously matter? Someday I will, but I don't feel like she's a stranger, she's most definitely a friend. A joyful BUSY friend who tells it like it is, who taught me the importance

of a good strong

glam rock kick

"OWW!"

So get a nice hot cup of coffee, or a beer if you're late to this post. Get comfortable and give yourself enough time to mentally prepare yourself for a day in the life of Melissa Brown.

Kat asked me about a month ago to guest blog for her, and I couldnt wait to do it. But then when I sat down to write, everything I had to say was oozing with emotional charge and I was back to the drawing board. I wrote first about girlfriends and sisterhood and the identity crisis I find as a young single mother. Then I wrote about faith and how living in the bible belt and the idea of being saved makes me nauseous. I even started to vent about health care, an issue that always hits close to home, and the fact that greed is the evil that prevents so many from getting the simple care they need at a reasonable price. A topic I frequently stifle because it gets me so jammed up, I dont even make any sense. She suggested at one point a day in the life, because my life is a circus unlike any other. So I am keeping it simple, stupid, and sharing my Monday.

I worked at the bookstore all day yesterday. Sundays drag there. After, I met up with girlfriend for a beer. She just ended a 3 year relationship and is trying to find her way on her own now. Ran into some other friends there that I am always happy to see. I stopped at one beer though, because I have plans to run early in the morning with my running buddy. I came home to find Sara wide awake just a little past her bedtime, but I was actually thrilled to see her smiling face and have the chance to carry her off to bed. She snuggled for about 45 minutes before passing out in my arms. Her feet, despite the fact that she is almost seven, are still baby feet, and her hands are still baby hands. Her delays in development mean that I get to hold on to her a little bit longer. I can take my precious time savoring nights like this, that her brothers have mostly outgrown.

My single guy friend starts to text me. He is a new friend this year, but I like him because he calls things like he sees them. It was a typical "Hows things going with so and so?" and "I ran into that chick from last month, what a bitch". He is consantly griping at me about how I am too nice and accepting of the guys I meet. His advice is to be more of a bitch, which to me translates into playing games, which I don't do, but there is some truth to me putting myself out there with blinders on. I passed out at 10:30.

I woke up several times throughout the night from Sara's knees and elbows in my ribs in a panic that I had overslept. Not sure what time it was, if the sun had come up, or even what day it was. I dozed back off quickly each time. It was actually a pretty good nights sleep.

The alarm went off at 6:20 and I only hit snooze twice. I even went downstairs and made coffee before waking the kids. That only happens when I get a good nights sleep. I wish I could say that mornings are quiet and like clockwork, but they are chaotic and rushed. I talk a lot about trying to be in the moment, but mornings are usually a failure..or anytime I am wrangling all three of them to get out the door somewhere. They hate mornings and so do I. I overruled Grant's stomach ache as a reason to not get his backpack together and lay crippled on the sofa, and Griffin's assertions that I "just dont understand how tired he is", and consciously thanked God for the fact Sara was eating her toast like an angel and being fully cooperative. Smiling ear to ear despite the rash that has popped up on her face. The 45 minutes from the time I get out of bed to the moment I drop them off in carpool is never fun, and I always say that the next morning I will be more patient...

My run is cancelled because it is raining and so I start my list of other things I planned on knocking out with the whole day off today. There are big changes brewing around here and inside of me and I need time to research school, new employment, and file my taxes. The school calls and Sara's rash is "probably nothing, but questionable"..I need to pick her up. Switching gears, and now thankful that last week on my day off, I slept as late as I wanted to and lazed around in bed all day doing nothing.

She is back home before the doctors office is even open for business. We start work on her 100 project, which is counting out 100 cheerios and gluing them onto a big paper "100". She is so excited she is hyperventilating, and hiding her face in her hands with her eyes shut tight. I get excited like that too, but I am not free like she is to show it the way she does. I love that about her, just as much as I love the way she demands pizza and popsicles. She has no filter, no yield, no inhibitions. She is utterly untouched by pride. By 9:30 she has ripped her pigtails out, leaving behind two humps of hair on either side of her head, and changed into a mismatched, bizarro outfit of her own liking. She is a mess. Her nose runs year round because of her cleft lip and palate, and right now there is a scab under her nose from wiping it so much. It looks awful and people stare, but the more we mess with it the worse it gets, and snot is better than making it bleed. Snot is not even on my mom radar anymore, but white bumps on her face getting worse by the hour are another story. The first available appointment is at 3:20.

I get out of the shower to find a text from my ex boyfriend. He has done something extraordinarily kind, loving and generous for me. I havent even really spoken to him lately, and I am floored. I am flooded with regret and sadness that we loved eachother so much, and still failed as a couple. We arent even successful at being friends. Love is cruel sometimes.

I take a minute in front of the mirror to hate my naked body, forever changed by mother hood, but then I remember there are features about my body that I love, and then remember that I do not have a scab under my nose from snot constantly draining out of it and I feel ashamed for being so vain in the first place. I skip applying any make up or straightening my hair and throw on jeans and a tshirt.

I break out my laptop and waste some time on facebook. I deleted 350 people the other night to make my world a little smaller. Facebook is the best and the worst thing out there. I have moved mountains with it and also wasted a lot of time...

The school called again, Grant is in the nurses office with chills, pale coloring and a stomach ache. This makes me mouth the F bomb, so the nurse cant hear it. I want to tell him to suck it up because I always get snowed by the boys and their "sick" days, and more often than not I pick them up and they have a miraculous recovery when they cross the threshold of our front door. The tone in the nurses voice makes me cave, and I say I will be there in a few minutes.

My girlfriend that just ended her relationship shoots me a text from her ex that says "what have I done?". No feeling is ever final. I've been down that road before. I refrain from offering much advice, because really I dont have any to offer.

I load Sara up to get Grant. The Avett Brothers "Mignonette" is on repeat in my car, and has been for over a week, except today I am skipping all the love songs because they make me roll my eyes. My poor sweet Grant comes out of the nurses office crying, I hug him and tell the front office I'll be back for Griffin in a little while. I am thankful that this is happening on my day off, and that I did not have to call in to work, which then triggers losing more shifts for being undependable.

Grant and Sara are settled in and I come back to write some more, but my crappy laptop has spun out and everything I wrote is gone. I rewrite this entire blog from the beginning...hitting save every couple of minutes. It has lost most of its humor and wit and feels like a detached captains log now. I feel like a terrible mother for making Grant go to school. This is a key ingredient in the next time he is crying wolf, and will weasil his way into a free day. It's 1:08, the dog is whining, and I dont know where the day went, but I am used to keeping this pace, and hitting curve balls so it's not as bad as it sounds. Really its not bad at all. Halfway through and Sara is still smiling, and so am I.

Fourth trip to the school today to scoop Griffin up in carpool. He was not happy to go along for a ride to the doctors office, but was a good boy. He asked for change for the snack machine on the way through the lobby, so I dug down in my purse and coughed up a couple of bucks. When Sara saw him walking away she had a meltdown repeating "I want Griffin...I want Griffin". I had to hold her in my lap. There was a mom in the lobby that I deleted in my facebook sweep and I pretended like I didnt see her. When Griffin returned with two bags of Lays, Sara changed her chorus to "I want Doritos" until it was time to go back and get her weight, and then she turned on the charm for the nurses. They all know her and love her. Well, everybody does. Her diagnosis was a sinus infection and impetigo. Antibiotics will fix it. She can go back to school tomorrow.

Let Griff take over the ipod and he, as usual, started out with Gorillaz and then moved on to Linkin Park. Most of my bonding with the boys happens in the car because they have to sit still and talk to me. We talked about his hair and how I wish he would submit to a haircut because he looks like a shaggy dog, and also about Choi Kwang Do which he had to miss today because Saras appointment took an hour and a half. Griffin is always taking a backseat, I owe him some alone time. Came home to find Grant still asleep, poor guy. He really is sick. Sitting for five minutes before driving back out to pick up Sara's prescription. The house is a wreck, and I have not gotten much accomplished. Documenting an entire day in and of itself has not taken up much of my time, I am doing 5 minutes here and there...but I am re reading it and realize why I am so laid back. It takes a certain amount of surrender to repeat days like today without completely losing my mind. Now the temperature has dropped and I am cold..and moving slower. I wouldnt say that I am still smiling, but I'm not frowning either, I rambling now and stalling because I dont want to get back in the car again and hit Wade Green in peak traffic...and Sara has stripped down nearly naked...I will have to redress her. Again.

A simple trip to the pharmacy turned into 45 minutes in the car, with the sun going down in the rain. I got a little lost in my head thinking about the past, and even more lost when my ipod dropped Neko Case on me. Suddenly I dont have much to say, I am going through the motions, and I am glad that I decided to stop for dinner while I was out. Grant wakes up long enough to take some ibuprofen, and Bill walked in the door just before I ran completely out of gas. If he had come home later, I know how to run on fumes, but my body knows the changing of the guards, and I am overcome with sleepy eyes and ready for my Mark Twain autobiography and bed. It isnt even 8 oclock yet.

It's strange to read about one day, because there is so much in my life that did not even pass by this little picture window. There's not a whole lot of perspective to be found in the details of 24 hours, but here they are because Kat cared enough to ask whats it's like to walk in my shoes.

and no blog is complete without a quote:

"Life does not consist- mainly- or even largely- of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that are forever blowing through ones head"- Mark Twain

I think this is an ancient photo of her kids... but like Melissa, I was running on empty and so tired I couldn't even see straight enough to determine whether this was a year old or 5 years old. Sorry Melissa,,, let me know if you want to replace it. I just loved that the kids were giving thumbs up.

love

2011-01-30T15:20:00.002-05:00

I'm not in love anymore

which, in some ways is a burden lifted

and in other ways is a sad fact

but

in a tiny little way it means that

perhaps

somehow

I'll find the space in my heart

to do it again.

Let's give a BIG CHEER for COURTNEY!!!

2011-01-20T11:18:00.011-05:00

I'm totally not kidding, she really was a cheerleader... but that's not really how I remember her.
I met Courtney in about... mmm... 6th grade. So, about 10 years ago (harharhar). We went to different elementary schools and then merged into the middle school with all the other kids. I hated middle school. In fact, I barely even remember experiences (post traumatic perhaps?) but I do remember people. Even though Courtney and I didn't necessarily run in the same social circle often I just remember that she was one of the NICE girls. She really was, she was so friendly! As much as my memory wants to group all the kids I grew up with into one big "snob" category... there are just some people I can't do that with. Like Courtney. She just wasn't one. She was sweet.
And so fast forward to the wonder and magic of facebook. And reconnecting. And figuring out "holy CRAP that is NOT how I remember that person" when you really get to know them again. I have no idea what is in a persons minds-eye when they think about what to associate me with from our younger years (and believe me, the thing that they most likely remember is SUCH a far cry from who I am now).
So, now we're both on facebook and both commenting on the little things we see on each others pages. I don't know this Courtney.** I mean, I DO (STILL NICE! YES!) but we're really pretty much strangers. And it's kind of awesome. Because I feel like I have a new friend.
And you know what else? When the shit hit the fan in my life... guess who was such a huge cheerleader for me? Yup, that's right... the high school cheerleader: Courtney. She gave me a HUGE boost with her care and concern and her encouragement. Because it turns out... she's BEEN there before. And it gives me hope to see what it looks like to move on with your life. And be happy. Because she IS.
So give her an "A" for awesome and let's get on with our little interview.

Hi Court! I'm SOOOO happy to have you here!!! Why don't you tell us a little about your fabulousness:

Hi, I'm Courtney Smith. I'm 35 years old & would say that I have just begun to figure out who I am...

When I put the call out there for good people to add to my blog, you answered (lucky me!)... so you must have thought about it, and maybe even wondered what I was going to ask... what DID you think I would interview you about?

I imagined it would have something to do with being a woman, or UU, or marriage...I honestly had no clue, I just figured it would be an interesting thing to participate in.

Since we grew up in the same town, can you tell me what you think of small town life? Especially life in a beach town?

I can honestly say that I enjoyed growing up in a small town; I always felt safe & knew that I could pretty much knock on most doors in town & someone in the house would know who I was or know who my family was. Of course that was the downside as well...it's very difficult to be a sneaky teenager when everyone in town knows who you are... While I was growing up in such a small community it didn't really dawn on me that I lived in such a beautiful, safe community...it just was my norm, so I think I took it for granted more often than not. It wasn't until I was older that it hit me that I was fortunate to have grown up where I did.

As for growing up in a beach town, I loved that as well. There was a certain laid back rhythm in the summers that I coveted.

Do you have a particular memory from the past that you go to every time you need to find strength? Something someone said to you? Something you overcame?

I've never been one to look back to moments in the past in order to move forward (or at least I don't do it consciously)...I have somehow always just dug deep & found strength when I've needed it & believe me there have been plenty of things I've needed to overcome...

What do you do to get through a hard time?

I find that I do a lot of internal dialogue & process situations (almost to a point of delirium) & once I make a decision I don't waiver from it.
Red wine also helps when I'm really stuck ;)

Is there any one person that you always turn to? Can you tell us about this person?

I can't pick just one....

My husband Todd is extremely supportive & is always encouraging me to challenge myself. He's an incredible listener & offers tangible advice. He also allows me to act crazy & still loves me....

My college roommate, Michelle, (or Mojo as I refer to her) has been my bff since we were 17. We were placed together as roommates our freshman year of college & pretty much lived together throughout our college experience. She is an amazingly strong, intelligent & supportive friend...What I love about her the most is that she doesn't judge, she has allowed me to make some awful mistakes because she knows that they are mine to make & she has always been there to help me pick up the pieces of my life & move on.

If someone said to you that you could leave your job behind and start living out your DREAM, where do you think that would take you?

It would most definitely take me to a warmer climate...but I think I would still do social work in some capacity...it's in my blood.

What do you love?

I love...a good snuggle, a solid handshake, laughter, red wine, movies that make me cry, books that make me imagine, soft sheets, dancing, spending time with my nearest & dearest friends, cheeseburgers, a perfect 78 degree day with a little bit of breeze & no humidity, my mom's hugs & her mac & cheese (if you haven't had it, it's amazing), going for drives with no destination, holding my husband's hand, kissing, painting my toenails, helping people, new baby smell, finding a great bargain on something amazing, & my life as it is right this moment.

Do you have something that you are REALLY good at? Like, so good that people are in awe of your ability?

I am gifted at the art of being tactfully blunt....

I've been seeing other bloggers and friends use the New Year to think of ONE word to live with for 2011, for me it's really hard to choose just one, but do you think you have a word?

Possibilities

I've taken part in a few interviews/guest spots before. I surprised myself by what actually came out when I was writing for someone else's blog for someone else's readers... what did you imagine yourself wanting to share?

Based on the last 2 years of my life I wanted to share that it's ok to question choices you've made in your life, but you can't just sit with them in that stagnant place...you need to do something if you really feel you need to make changes...Change can be awful & scary & overwhelming & stressful, but life is really too short to not live it...
I pondered divorce for over 2 years before I woke up one morning & thought to myself, "if I don't leave today, I'm never leaving" & so I left. It was the bravest & craziest thing I've ever done & so difficult to explain to people in my life who just didn't understand my choice. I got to a point where I stopped explaining myself & just started living & that has made all the difference.

I want people to know that there is life after divorce...it shouldn't be this scarlet 'D' we are burdened to wear. Shit happens, people change & relationships morph...it's how you choose to grow during those times that make you who you are meant to be....

Have you wanted to start a blog? Do you think you would?

Not at all...I just don't think of myself as creative enough to pull a blog off, but it's been fun being a part of yours ;)

you said you've just begun to figure out who you are. What hit you like a ton of bricks to discover about yourself? can you name at least 3 things that you can definitely without a doubt feel 100% about when you say "this is who I am"?

My divorce hit me like a ton of bricks (even though I had been thinking about it for 2 years prior to leaving) & it has allowed me to discover who I really am & what I really want out of my life. I felt like I wasn't myself until I left my first marriage. I felt as if during the previous 10 years I had been going through the motions, but not really partaking in life; rather, I was following the course I was "supposed to". By letting go of my need to please others I took care of myself for the first time ever & chose not to feel guilty about it. It was liberating & I feel whole.

Three things that I can definitely without a doubt feel 100% about when I say "this is who I am"....1) I am a caretaker, 2) I am confident, 3) I am a planner.

Let's go out with one more thing... can you please share a little philosophy you have about something, anything.

Life is too short to be miserable, so don't settle for a life that doesn't give you pleasure...DO SOMETHING to make the changes necessary to live a happy & healthy life

**little known fact: Courtney's Mom 'JSM' (as I like to call her) taught me how to knit a few years ago... and also? the apron I wear when I'm pretending to be a 50's housewife was sewn by none other than 'JSM' (Courtney's Mom... remember?)

Office Space; a Very Carly Guest Post

2011-01-13T18:57:00.003-05:00

Hello my people, did you love Elissa/Leo's post the other day? Don't forget that for a limited time only, you can catch up on her posts at The World Was Turning. I say limited because, any day now she's having babyKoop and we all may be jonesing for her writing for a looonnngggg while (but I hope not).

Now, please meet Carly. Carly comes from the same hearty beanstalk (ha!) that made Elissa and I friends, yes- that Magic Beans sure knows how to make friendships grow! (okay I'll stop now) I guess that's the beauty of a small business where all the staff are young and energetic and open to new friendships (and by young I mean- I was the oldest one there). I really did make some great friends and even though now my work life is pretty solitary (as in I'm the only one) and I the contact that I do have (via text message and sticky note) with my bosses is lacking and the office has no windows (Vit. D supplements) and no wall art (except my smiling little lovelies) and out of nowhere pumpkin seeds come to attack me (you kinda had to be there)I have these little bright spots every once and a while where I get to converse! In real time! With a HUMAN! who is CARLY! over G-chat! (and it's an especially good day when I get to chat with her AND with my best friend Jen who uses the naptimes for her two little charges VERY wisely)

Carly is wicked funny
And her blog is wicked sharp
And she is wicked stylish
And she's just one of those people who has a good time living her life.
And she's a Q-T-PIE to boot.

So, here she is folks, Carly of Grown Up Lady Me:

"Just the other day Kate and I were talking about the realities of office space. I work in an office with electric green walls and a dozen or so goofball characters I am more likely to ask an obscure cartoon question than a QED report related question. Kate's office has no windows and is decorated with a poster of her company's mission statement. While it sounds like I'm the winner in this scenario, my eyes have grown fatigued of neon green and my company resists the idea of a mission statement like most children resist a bedtime. My frustration with Google docs is her frustration with Post-it notes. Where are the offices from the movies? With all the airy brightness and perfectly organized office supplies?

I love my office. But the main problem is it's not my own personal fantasy office. If it were, the walls would be a soothing shade of blue-green and my desk would be a white parsons one. Clutter would be mine to banish (or not, probably not). Kate's would have a window. And a wreath.

Part of my workstation preoccupation comes from the fact that I haven't had a desk in my home for about a year and a half. Since I did have one for, oh, about twenty straight years prior to that, it's been a bit of an adjustment.

As I continue to fantasize about a new home office and ways I could improve my work office, here's some inspiration I have come across:"

Alicia Friedmann

This one's realistic. Art and storage tubs.

Emily Henderson

Kate would put flowers in a gold mug. Any day.

Erinn Valencich

A nice seating area for guests.

Shelly Riehl

Sometimes I think all I need is nice bag and a cup of tea.

Velvet Hammerschmidt

Check out that window Kate!

Celia Berliner

Lots of energy here.

Lori Dennis

Mmm...This one comes with orange soda.

Come to think of it, I think the Reluctant Mermaid and the Grown Up Lady might happily share an eclectic office space. In our happiest fantasies we might as well include an environment where text messages are not an accepted form of business communication and to do lists actually exist to receive checkmarks--be they virtual or sticky note style.

In the meantime, I'll look for an apartment with enough room for an office. Or a work cove. Or just a desk.

(All photos from HGTV.com)

Flowers in the Snow (clearance style)

2011-01-12T15:44:00.011-05:00

We're suppose to be having a "snow day" which here in coastal New England could mean anything. Today, it means slush and gray sky and 3 people stuck indoors with too much sugar and not enough space.
So I made cupcakes, we played games, did a little laundry, made video projects, and when I finally found a little time where each child was occupied with something that didn't involve wrestling or arguing, I made myself something pretty.

For $3.75

Yup- totally.

Last month I went to Target and bought the same fleece (full price, dang) for $15. I bought some black satin ruffled trim for $2 that I sewed up on either side of the zipper. Well that very same fleece (but in ruby red!) was on sale last night for less than $4.

I added little fabric flowers that I made, using buttons from my stash that my little shop assistant picked out and fabric that my fairy godmother gifted to me for the holidays.

And there you go. This cost me a whopping $3.75

Meet Elissa, or rather... meet Leopold

2011-01-10T14:42:00.010-05:00

Hello! I have a FIRST GUEST POST here at TRM! (I'm such hot stuff I even abbreviated things for you).
My dear Elissa and I used to work together at this awesome little baby gear empire where I think it's safe to say we were equally abused/adored by pregnant women over their strollers/carriers/non pvc and bpa and C.I.A (heehee) baby products.
Because, as many of you know- when you're pregnant you turn into a crazy kookoohead.
Except Elissa
Who is eloquent with words, crafty with wool diapers and a sewing artist who I feel so inspired by and lately, she writes about becoming a mom (anydaynow!) on her blog;
The World Was Turning
She worked in the city store, and I worked in the suburban store but we formed a pretty lovely work friendship when we went to NYC for Toy Fair a few years ago. We had a pretty hilarious little road trip for 3 days (remember the photo albums we found?) and a great little brainstorming session about our jobs. I don't think I've ever quite bonded with someone I worked with the way that I did with Miss 'Liss. I love very much how she sees things around her and then writes like you're seeing it right along with her.
She now lives in her native Vermont with a handsome husband who she's mad about and now (anysecondnow!) she is going to have a little baby of her own.
And her cats are being pretty snippy about it.
So, Leo- the more brazen of the two cats decided to write his tail (wink) off about exactly how he thinks this baby-stuff is going to go down.
Elissa? Leo? Are you ready?

Kat asked me to do a guest post- I’m calling out pregnant but my cat, Leopold, has offered to share his worldview.

We can’t see it, but we know that it’s coming. We feel it every time we sit on her lap, that wriggling, wiggling from deep inside of her belly. It pokes us when we’re resting, and resting is considerably harder to do now that her belly has grown to enormous proportions. You’d think she would have considered us in making this decision. She smells different, too. The smell of two intertwined into one, of changing hormones and metamorphosis.

Change is on the horizon, my friends. And we embrace it and fear it, all at once. We fear it for the negative effects sure to be invoked upon us. Less laptime, less attention, delayed feedings, litterbox pile-ups, the shrill and glass-shattering sounds of a newborn cry at all hours disturbing our sleep and sanity, less patience. We embrace it for the benefits: we can eat the delicate leaves off of the ivy plant without retribution, we can vomit on the floor and then lap it up, we can traipse around on every tabletop and every desk, we can step on computer keyboards and shed hair on nice blankets. We will certainly revel in our newfound autonomy.

Bitty’s worldview? She’s 7 inches tall, has enormous bug eyes and an overbite and the worst meow you’ve ever heard. A meow that will rock your world, in a bad way. She sleeps for a lackadaisical 22 hours each day, and during her wakeful period she skulks around feeling sorry for herself or scuttles around the house in fear. True, true, I don’t improve it by lurking in dark corners and pouncing on her or chasing her up and down the stairs- but suffice it to say I don’t think you need to hear her world view. What kind of worldview can you have when your nose is 7 inches from the floor?

I, on the other hand, standing at a glorious 10 inches tall, am a thing of pure beauty. My long, silken mane and huge fluffy tail are admired by all who lay eyes on me. I dominate this house; I’m the ruler of the floor, king from the knee down. One hasn’t experienced elegance until one has glanced upon my pure white paws or gazed into my yellow eyes. True- my once pure white paws are graying a bit- the repercussions of a warm pellet stove that seems to call to me, luring me to sit by the gentle flames and warm my bones; my lustrous and pearly white fur reaps the consequences of the ashy off-put. My world view is quite complex, the menial human brain has no capacity to comprehend the deep thoughts and esoteric contemplations of a creature such as myself. Cats must sleep for 16 hours a day for when their brains are awake they are slaving away at abstruse concepts and unfathomable hypotheses. Even in slumber my brain is employed. My world view consists of answers to the mysteries of the universe. My time is spent unraveling enigmas and removing the shrouds from mysteries. But it’s too complex for your lowly brain; I can assure you of that.

Take heart, human- it’s not your fault. While Bitty lazes in her languorousness, I’m off to seek slumber. This conversation has tired me to no end.

New and Happy Year!

2011-01-06T13:03:00.005-05:00

Helloooo my beautiful friends! Welcome to the NEW YEAR! My decorations aren't even close to being packed up, which literally means taking down the peices of paper I taped up here and here and tossing this little wonderland back in the box that it all came out of.
This is a new year, a new start, a new way of looking at things- and there are SO many things to look at!
Which, is what I want to talk to you about.
I was g-chatting with this Grown Up Lady yesterday and I tossed out a funny idea (to distract from telling her about the dream I had that she and her boyfriend ELOPED! Which seemed funny when I dreamed it and kind of creepy when I told her that I had a dream about them... ehem...) and the idea was to maybe start having a guest blog post every now. OR if you're keyboard-shy, let me do an interview with you!
You are all amazing
You all have amazing things to say
Some of those amazing things you said to ME pulled me through a hellish time.
You are creative, dynamic, talented, hysterical, loving, wise and supportive. Don't you want people to know that?
Will you please?
Be a guest
At my blog table?
Will you please?
Let me interview you?
Because I think you're fascinating?
Will you email me?
If you get over your shyness and decide to just
GO
FOR
IT!!!!
thank you
you rock
and
roll

XOXOXO
~kat~

just hit the button on the side to email me.

ps- you think you don't have anything to say? Bullsh*t... you've been saying all along, every day in every way. email me. I promise, I'll even get all fancy and actually use SPELLCHECK so I don't continually butcher your interview every time I write "peice" instead of "piece".
pps- Grown Up Lady is Totoro's Aunt

I believe

2010-12-18T12:46:00.002-05:00

I believe that there are amazing people in the world.
I believe that each and every single person in my life is a gift to me.
Everyone.
Even the ones who break hearts.
I believe in miracles.
And the power to do what we need to do with what we have.
I believe that miracles helped me find a place to live, a new and safer car to drive, organize our new life (even if it means writing the wrong dates down for parent teacher conferences and gingerbread house parties.... oops)
I believe.
I believe that someone is looking out for us.
I want to thank that person who sent us this card that contained an amazing, incredibly generous gift that will help us for a long while.
I wish I could tell them in person.
But that's just the magic of Christmas I guess...

So- to this person, I want to tell them a little story that is always part of the Holiday Pageant at church (which stars a little white dove and a regal King... wink)

Go into the world and bid others to follow the star

Tell them the star means wisdom

Tell them the star means kindness

Tell them the star means understanding

Tell them the star means tolerance

Tell them the star means sacrifice

Tell them the star leads to a vision of a fairer world,

Tell them the star shines in the heavens and in their hearts and if they will follow... they will bring peace and joy to others and find it themselves.

Nana's Apron

2010-12-11T20:50:00.003-05:00

I miss my family. I miss MY family, the one that I remember from when I was little and it would be Christmas and we would spend Christmas Eve travelling from the Christmas Eve service at church (where I may or may NOT have lit my sisters hair on fire... I have no memory of it therefore it never happened... sorry Car... and also sorry about the time I "supposedly" stabbed you in the eye with a pair of scissors. Yes, I know you actually have a scar ON your eyeball but I'm sticking to my "I have no memory of it, therefore it never happened)
Ehem.
Um, so anyway we would start at church, and most likely head off to one of my Dads relatives in Scituate. My Nana and Grampa or one of my Aunts houses where I had about 50 billion cousins and I could only remember the names of about 15 of them (Kurt, Patti, Lorraine, Paula, Kevin, Shawn, Doreen... if you're reading this you were ALL my favorite cousins xoxo).
What do I remember about those holidays?
I remember wearing a deep green velvet dress.
I remember being in the cold car waiting for the heat to come on as we rode with our faces pressed to the windows looking for Rudolphs Nose (so bright!)
I remember getting a special gift from my Aunt Nancy who was my Godmother.
I remember Christmas cookies. Plates of them, all handmade, all by different relatives
I remember ribbon candy.
I remember my Nana and Grampa had a little ceramic Christmas tree that lit up. It was magical.
I remember my Nana... wearing a holiday themed apron. Or at least I think I remember it. (but I still clearly have no memory of the 5 year old pyro I was)
Even if it was a holiday or not, I remember Nana wearing aprons baking hermits and donuts and peanut butter cookies that were crisscrossed with a fork and dotted with a single chocolate chip right smack in the center.
So this wreath, this is for Nana: Priscilla DeMello, queen of hermits and telling us that we were so tall we could eat beans off her head, ruler of the pantry, keeper of the many many african violets that we loved to "mist" with her little green glass plant mister.
Nana's Apron.

nipping at your nose

2010-12-10T07:25:00.002-05:00

I love when something sparks a memory of when I was little. Last night, listening to holiday music I was reminded of how hysterical we thought The Muppets singing 12 Days of Christmas was. ("Fiiiive Gooold Riiings! Ba dum dum dum") and so I sent a text to my sister saying "remember this? we loved this when we were little!".
And it's the "remember?" that I'm focusing on right now.
Remember Jack Frost? That magical little man who flew to all the windows and covered them with magic ice crystals?
Beautiful swirls of frost, catching the light and making them almost look like stained glass.
So, guess who came to entertain us in the mornings? Who inspired me to give the kids that "remember?" for someday when they're texting each other?
Jack Frost
And now they (or Iris at least, Sage just kind of gives me that "um... ya okay Mom" look) pull up the shades to greet the morning light and then draw in a deep breath of wonderment.
Because Jack Frost left us some beauty in the middle of the night.
A frosty painting just for us.
"Remember?"

Christmas in the barn

2010-12-06T07:25:00.007-05:00

before

after

So as you can imagine, when every square inch is assessed and accounted for in a 3 room apartment-it makes it difficult to justify taking up some of that space with a tree that would most likely get mangled anyways by a ferocious cat (who I'm suspecting has ADHD... do you think they have a cat approved ritalin? I'll have to run that one by my friend Tracy).
There are just some traditions that JUST have to be kept. Ornaments are one of those.
Every year the kids get a new ornament. It started the first time we celebrated Christmas with both kids. A friend of mine made two beautiful ornaments, each bearing the name of each child. And a tradition was born. We now have butterflies, mermaids, Red Sox, airplanes, ducks, handpainted Iris flowers and Sage plants, Matryoshka Dolls, angels, trains, a pickle and this year they will each receive an ornament from one of our favorite stores in town that only carries products that are fair trade, and ecologically sustainable. (and local!). I love this. I love that we're building a collection that they can someday take with them, I love that even though everything else has changed, and our holiday is being totally re-worked because of our circumstances, THIS is the same.
This year, we're finding all those things that matter. This year, we're keeping things alive and exciting. This year we're putting up twinkling lights and all those special ornaments in a completely different way. But hopefully this year- the children will still feel the same magic that they've always felt ... no matter where we are or who we're with or how this life has changed. The ornament tradition will live on.

What time is it?

2010-12-02T19:45:00.002-05:00

Time to rock the night away... oh ya baby.
Our clock gets a sprinkle of holiday cheer.

sneaky little elves

2010-11-29T06:29:00.001-05:00

somebody... or two little somebody's are getting a little festive

Hey Guys! It's Christmas Time! (kinda sorta)

2010-11-28T09:53:00.000-05:00

Okay- now on to some serious business. It's time for someone to bitch-slap me into the holidays and figure out how to make them AMAZING for my kids instead of whining about mememememe. So, I hearby declare that if I slip up (and let's say I get 3 chances... because it's bound to happen) and act like a crybaby instead of focusing on all the, eggnog, advent fun, homemade gifts, general excitement and merry making that Christmas is SUPPOSED to be about then you (dear readers whom I love so much) have permission to call me out on it and put a little coal in my stocking to teach me a lesson.
Now- LET THE REINDEER GAMES BEGIN!!!
I hope to post frequently about how we make a new kind of holiday, since the old one needed to be torn down and renovated. And let's face it... it's just going to be fun fun fun to see how the hell to decorate a 3 room apartment with a psycho cat who may or may not rip the crap out of everything.

36

2010-11-21T21:09:00.003-05:00

hi.
I'm 36 today.
and still a little bit
country
and a little bit
rock-n-roll.
maybe this year I can give myself
a break
a do-over
a goal
maybe all of that.
maybe more,
but if it's less than it's okay
it'll all be okay.
ok?

Why I did what I did.

2010-11-16T11:00:00.004-05:00

finding a sunny spot (to raise the bread)

Why did I write what I wrote? The next day, just like I said I would- I reread everything and felt a deep feeling of "ohhhh.... what did I DO!". I put it out there. I told the dirty truth of what a mess things are. I kind of blurted out things that were really (sort of) embarrassing but I am SO. THANKFUL. that I did. Why?
Because it all started with this which I just couldn't get out of my head! I couldn't stop thinking of all my signs, the ones that were bold and I wore because I couldn't hide it- and the many that I kept under my little ruffled yellow feet.
I didn't want to seem like I was pathetic, like I was bitching and moaning about stuff when "it could be so much worse". I was honestly worried that someone would read what I wrote and think I was being overly dramatic. But I'm not. These things are real. The panic I feel in my heart is real but I want to talk about that for a minute.

Our hearts don't know the difference between "I'm beating fast with worry over my lack of money" and "my heart is beating fast with worry because of that big report I have to present to my boss". Worry is worry. And your worry is your own. You own it, and if your worry means a lot to you than nobody has a right to tell you it's value. What do I mean? Well my worry over what I don't have anymore feels bad. Someone else's worry over presenting an important report makes THEM feel bad. It's the same. You can't compare. Having a day where you feel the worst you've ever felt whether it's over not paying your phone bill or someone else getting up in front of their peers - there IS no difference that your heart can find. Worry is worry. You own it. Someone else owns theirs. And we don't have a right to tell each others stories for them. Telling stories about each other when you don't have all the facts is a dangerous way to live.

I had a horrible day that day, a clerk at the grocery store might have misinterpreted my mumbled "thank you" and thought "wow- what a bitch! she didn't even appreciate that I carefully and thoughtfully packed her bag of groceries". She might have told my story for me, and the story was all wrong. She might not have know I had just spent the last of my money, she might not have known I had a boy at home who got wild with rage and a little girl who got hurt. She might have told my story to herself, and it was wrong. And I do that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We all do.

So, why did I write what I did? Because I needed to tell my story.
What good does that do? Well, I'll tell you what happened after I wrote that.
*I got a wonderful gift from some anonymous benefactors
*My children got some warm winter things (which Iris in particular was delighted about "Mom... this is my FASHION!" (I love how she says fashion instead of style"
*We got fresh air and hot chocolate.
*I gathered golden leaves for a project I want to do with the kids
*I received some beautiful and supportive comments from women that I didn't know but they felt compelled to reach out to me... (still reeling in that... thank you so much ladies!)
*got an awesome facebook message from another friend that really woke me up and made me realize how many things I do RIGHT
*had some "Real Talk" with the kids Dad. It felt, I don't know... it felt like the glimpse of a "someday" in moving forward
*Today I got an unexpected day off because Sage is stiffly and sneezy and I don't even CARE that I'm taking a cut in my paycheck. I get TIME, I get to make a little nest on the couch for him, and make him tea and take out my cookbooks and plan delicious frugal meals, and walk around in my slippers and my favorite sweatshirt (see profile pic for example), I get to take Iris off the bus instead of a babysitter- I get to see her happy little face when she sees me and hear firsthand how her day was, I get to find the sun- in Sages window where I can put a pan of gluten free bread to rise. And I can watch that sun, and remember what finding sunny spots can do for bread, and for my life.

So, that's why I did what I did. And I don't regret it.

Truthiness

2010-11-14T13:36:00.004-05:00

This hurts putting this out there.
I'm terribly depressed and have developed a deep insomnia that only powerful medicine can now (somewhat) cure.
Sage is getting terribly depressed and is retreating into his own sad world, clinging to me, and becoming less social. He reacts off of what I'm feeling, and since I'm not feeling great- he's not feeling great... we're so sensitive about each other. What I feel, he feels and vice-versa and it KILLS me that I'm doing this to him... no matter how hard I'm trying to keep my shit together.
I'm really worried about him
He's on three different medications.
I'm on two.
We're a hot mess.

I lost so much already, I feel like I'm losing a little of him too. I worry so much about him... I WORRY so much that I get so scared about him.
And then there is Iris. Who is our little rock. She's 5 and she's keeping things sane around here. And I feel guilty about that too. She comforts us both, she pitches in when I need her to, she does everything I ask her to do around here. She is 5. Five for christsakes! It's not fair to her.

We're sinking a little. And I can't pay for groceries, gas, Iris's school program. And that's just the truth of it. I can't even pretend that that's not what's going on in the secret lives of the Pevzners- because it's so "in your face" now... there is no hiding how much we're struggling.

I'm ashamed.
I'm ashamed that I can't pull it together and save us.
I'm ashamed that my life fell apart and I couldn't stop it.
I'm ashamed that I can't look on the bright side, I can't just put on a happy face, I can't rise above it, I can't work any of those positive thoughts into my stress ravaged mind.
I'm failing my kids.
I'm failing.
And I need help.
Help.

I want to be a good mom, the best I can.
I want to be a good friend, as good as the friends I have.
I want to not FEEL LIKE THIS all the time!!!
I want to be one of those "I don't know how she did it but she DID it" stories.,.

Help. I need help doing this. I need help finding the golden moments, help finding myself, help making my children see that I'm ok! I'm great! I've got this thing down.

Where do I start?

I know this might sound ugly and desperate and even pathetic... this is all being written in my state of panic- and I realize tomorrow I might read these words and tell myself that I was overreacting but right now- this moment- this is the truthiness of the matter.

photo by Sage... taken this summer at Camp Celiac... he called it "spotlight". It seemed so fitting because that's what I feel like I'm doing right now- really putting the facts of our life in the glaring spotlight

Have a cupcake

2010-11-11T14:56:00.005-05:00

Like the time before and also the other time before that... when I offer a sweet treat, it can only mean one thing. I'm taking a break from everything, cutting myself a little slack and giving you a yummy cupcake while you wait.
Rainbow of course.
In honor of the joyful ones who have supported me for the past 5 months.

moving forward

2010-11-01T13:01:00.010-05:00

When I first starting this little project, I was just feeling worse and worse about myself.
It was difficult to be in the situation that I was in, but to throw in those feelings of self doubt, worthlessness, rejection, hurt, pain... all of that really: I kind of lost myself in all of that until I really couldn't look myself in the mirror.
What started with a pair of shoes one day, has- over the last couple of weeks now ended up with what you see here today:
new haircut and color,
makeup,
a stylin' scarf (hello New England, thank you for biting me in the ass with your chill today! Geez!),
a happy blooming flower
and
me.
with
a
smile.
a genuine smile
because I'm starting to like what I see.
There I said it.
Look at me, and see what I see...
I may not have solved the completely insane and complicated situation that I'm in right now.
But I sure as hell can make the effort to look like a million bucks while I try.

xoxo

I would like to thank you all for the love and support you've provided for me in the past 5 months. I hope that you see that because you gifted me with your time and your generosity- that I was able to finally take care of ME. I love you all... so so much.

Now if I may, I want to share with you one of my favorite people who makes it SO easy for me to see that sometimes you just have to strut your ass all over the place and not feel like the whole world is judging you...
Click to view the awesomeness that is.... Allison Tyler
and then as a sweet little bonus, another favorite friend talks all about the power of feeling like a beautiful bad-ass
and also,if it gets bad enough... do what my other amazing friend does to get through the bullshit by finding your very personal glam rock kick OWWWW!!!

**** edited to add the following after an extreme revelation I had for ALL of us ****

Well, the point is I'm totally not done being as awesome as I can possibly be. And I don't even know why the hell I thought I wasn't. Well, I mean I KNOW why- but... I just needed to find that again. And the funny thing is, is that this ...is the most confident I've been about myself EVER! Like, even pre-sucky situation! I don't care if my BMI is eyebrow raising, I don't care if nobody else is checking out my badonkadonk, I don't care if I think my pretty pink nails are chipped a little... the fact that I even took time to PAINT them is what matters. The effort is what matters, the EFFORT is the thing that I'm proud of... the thing that makes me walk standing straighter, maybe with a little bounce in my step, clicking around in kick-ass little yellow shoes... am I truly a beauty? Well, compared to a supermodel I'm not... but guess what- I have the sweat-equity behind my confidence. I don't have people flurrying all around me swiping makeup on me, airbrushing the hell out of me because my "pretty isn't pretty enough" I have ME to do that work for me... and I have no choice but to take the credit for what you see before you. ME. SMILING. WITH LIPSTICK that I put on ALL BY MYSELF!!! ♥

short, dark and pretty

2010-10-30T07:24:00.001-05:00

I went short. I went dark. I feel pretty.

Happy Weekend everyone
xoxo
now.... go toilet paper your gym teachers house

Technical Difficulties

2010-10-29T05:49:00.004-05:00

We interrupt this project to tell you that severe lack of sleep and neglect of laundry is causing a connection issue. Todays pretty? Not so much. We will return to your regularly scheduled inner beauty when the subject comes back to life. In the meantime, please enjoy this music:

kiss my....

2010-10-28T06:37:00.002-05:00

SO- those of you who know me in person know that I'm rather short and well, a little wiiiiiddddeeee. What can I say, I come from a well bred stock of big ass ladies. I mean that, we all have "well endowed heinies". So, jeans and pants are not my favorite things. However, I just learned that when you put just a little extra cash-o-la on the counter of a store known for it's jeans- you end up with pretty good jeans. I love these, they are probably the first pair of jeans that I actually feel good lookin' in. And looking good feels good. And feeling good means that I can focus, with confidence on putting a lot of stress and sadness "behind" me. haha... I said BE-hind...

and I did a bonus pretty with this embellished t-shirt. flowers are fancy. I'm fancy today.

Real Women Wear Ruffles

2010-10-27T06:29:00.002-05:00

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
...Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me."
~Maya Angelou

I would like to thank my beautiful, phenomenal sister in law Kelly for taking the time to share this with me. Today, I will not be ruffled by my feelings of inadequcy. Today I will be ruffled instead by some hot fushia.

tied

2010-10-26T06:07:00.003-05:00

I don't think I ever wore this shirt before... it's been in my closet for well over a year and I can't even remember why I bought it. But I know that I probably didn't wear it because it seemed too "fancy" and "business-like", which is TOTALLY not me. Well, the "business-like" isnt me... and the fancy? I'm workin' on it.
Today, it looks pretty. And because (I think anyways) I've been laying off those "poor lonely heartbroken" glasses of wine and those "let's try to leave it all behind me" vodka cocktails I *think* I actually see the hint of a curvy waist perhaps?
The "tie" on this shirt is ridiculously handy, as it hides the thick bubble of stomache that has been plaguing me ever since I entered my 30's. LOVE that.
So, let me tie up all those loose ends of being sad... and start celebrating that pretty little curve that I see. I like that idea.

walk it off... walk it off...

2010-10-25T06:16:00.002-05:00

That's what my gym teacher used to say whenever anyone got a mild injury. Today, I'm walking off my pain with these cutie-pie red shoes. Don't the buttons just kill you?
Recently, I discovered something missing that was very important to me. It was taken from me without any regard for my feelings about it, without any conversation even asking if I may be willing to give it up. It was there, and then it was gone. And so were my last remaining feelings of tolerance and compassion that I had been so compelled to give, without really thinking about what I needed in return. Which, I now see was never considered. What I needed was never considered and kindnesses were never reciprocated.
SO, I said, "that is IT" that's the last time I'm going to be walked all over... the last time I'm going to be stepped on and crushed like a little bug.
I'm walking it off... in adorable red flats.

love love love

2010-10-23T07:41:00.002-05:00

What the world needs now, is love sweet love.... and lots of awesome bracelets to remind you of that.

This is my reminder to LOVE myself... LOVE LOVE LOVE myself. Even if I have hair issues, or someone has chosen not to love me, even if my eyebrows totally need to be waxed or my layers of who I am are sometimes paper thin. Love thyself. Everyone. And then have a killer weekend.
Peace out.

pucker up

2010-10-22T06:36:00.002-05:00

lipstick. pinky-red. it will probably get worn off on the 17 cups of coffee I drink today. typing in short sentences. that's what 3:47 wake time does to a person. 10-4

Ooo-la-la

2010-10-21T06:38:00.002-05:00

Beauty: it's what's under the surface that counts. And today, what's under the surface is lacy. And that's all I have to say about that. HOT-cha-cha-cha-cha!

I'll never be a Breck girl

2010-10-20T06:11:00.003-05:00

Oh hair, how you torture me so...
Does any woman recognize this quick tangley twist? The lazy bun? I get stuck with this as a default style because I don't know what else to do.
This post isn't going to be about pretty. It's going to be about how hard it is for me to get a handle on and issue that has plagued me my whole life. My hair.
I can't go into details about it because it's painful, but I suffer from, let's call it a "condition" that strips me of all confidence in making my hair look good. Because I feel like the condition makes it impossible.
So, for now... let's just call todays pretty "Kat washed her hair, it looks shiny and clean" because (as a busy tired mom) getting my hair washed every day is a challenge enough that I made a SPECIAL effort to carefully wash, condition and spritz with a leave in conditioner. I blew it dry and in a minute I might even run the straightener through it.
It's the effort, not the outcome right?

I see you too.

2010-10-18T17:59:00.009-05:00

Like I said, it's been extremely difficult to pass by a mirror and meet myself eye to eye. It's just not me... I don't feel like myself anymore and the reflection isn't as pleasing as the one before. Today, I just want to step back and take a look. A good hard look at the woman I am now. Raw and emotional, newborn perhaps? full of possibilities even? What do you see?
I don't know how far I've really come in this process of making myself feel prettier. Because man, there are some times where I start staring and staring at my scowling, sad, unattractive face and I just want to punch the mirror. And then there are times where I catch glimpses of pretty eyelashes, perky little shoes, bangles that clink and clank together, lightly tousled hair... and THAT'S what I need to remember matters.... all those little things. Little things, little moments, little steps, little touches of color, little sparkles, little blushing cheeks.
Keeping the big picture really really small makes it a little less intimidating. My big picture is made of tiny things. And that's okay right?
Well, here's something HUGE... I mean REALLY big and beautiful and wonderful and important. It's me, but it's all of us. It's everyone there and it's everyone HERE. It's all the mamas, and the non-mamas, it's all the big beautiful ladies and the teeny tiny ones. It's for the you and the me and the we,,, and it's the big picture, made up by many different smaller ones. And it's wonderful.
The awesomest lady, (did you like that version of awesome Lisa?) Lisa Work- Delzer is the creator of Visionary Mom, a website that encourages you to live out your dreams with your passion and creativity. (Mom's EXCEL at this by the way). Lisa is definitely practicing what she preaches... she has completely inspired me lately with how she's living HER dreams. I really encourage you to go to Visionary Mom and see for yourself.
And now, courtesy of Lisa, at Visionary Mom- I present You:

I See You.
I See All Of You.
Do You See Yourself In This?

One of these days these boots are gonna...

2010-10-18T13:10:00.003-05:00

kick the shit out of whatever this freakin' saddness is doing to me. (bet you thought I was gonna get all Nancy Sinatra on you didn't you?)
Anyways, this weekend was a tough one for me. Saturday was lonely and I cried on and off all day feeling so sad for myself. I can't help it, I just do it... I try to have happy joyful thoughts, I try to focus on the good, I try to pick myself up by my bootstraps- but it's really not that easy!
Today though, I really wanted to do some serious ass kicking... or at least make it look like I was capable of doing so- so I wore these "don't mess with me" boots. Every time I wear them someone comments on how much they like them (here's your cue people). I don't know how special, or different they are from any other boots out there but maybe they comment on them because they see how they make me feel, I mean really- you HAVE to respect someone wearing tall black boots. You just have to.
I will have you know that even about 20 minutes ago, one of these "rough tough" guys I work with said "those are some serious BOOTS you have going on there". I've been here since April, I've been making (somewhat vain) self improvements lately, today they noticed. haha.... so- with my best kung-fu kick I say "hy-YA" to my sadness and put a tough girl spin on my pretty.

'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be free

2010-10-16T07:46:00.004-05:00

This little birdie was a gift from my very dear friend Cindie. It reminds me of freedom. It reminds me of nurturing. It reminds me of new beginnings. I wear it today because I love my friend, she made me feel so special and loved. In fact, I was so moved by her gift (and the sweet note that accompanied) that I totally did the "ugly cry" as I babbled on and on into her voicemail. It was a little embarrassing actually.
I wear it because I need to remember that I have the freedom to live MY life the way I want to now. I wear it because so many people nurtured me so that I could get back to nurturing myself and my children on my own. My friends are gifts, my life is a gift, my journey is a gift. And besides, we all know how hot I look in turquoise.

Um, has everyone met my friend Jodi? You haven't? Seriously? Well, your loss... she's a hottie too...
She sent me this book, 29 Gifts, How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life which, I know is going to lead me to my next project... you know the one that I take on, full speed ahead, nose to the grindstone, because I'm feeling so AWESOME and CONFIDENT and WORTHWHILE because of THIS little project I have going on?
Ya... it's totally going to happen.
Watch out.
Oh- and don't forget to join me on that.
Because what the world needs now, is love sweet love.

XOXO
(ps- build a little birdhouse in your soul)
(pps- Jodi, I just read an interview with Brooke Shields and she was all, "people ask me all the time if I'm Jodi Cosper!!! I just wish I were lucky enough, apparently she's a hot shit"
True story. )

Get a grip

2010-10-15T05:24:00.002-05:00

Hold on to things you know were good
Hold on to your childrens hands
Hold on to the friends who loved you and held YOUR hands
Hold on to your new life
Hold on to that coffee that keeps you alive some days
Hold on to your family, who will love you through it all
Hold on to the steering wheel that drives you through your life
Hold on
Hold on
Hold on

And then paint your nails a pretty hot pink.

A wolf in sheeps clothing

2010-10-14T06:12:00.003-05:00

Just a quick note, I apparently don't know how to count, I skipped day 4. Did anyone notice?
Anyways- what I want to say about today and my attempt at prettiness is this: My grief has been like a hungry rabid animal. Trying to tear me to bits, growling and cornering me, intimidating me with it's claws. Like a wolf. That wolf made me think that I wasn't worth saving, that there was nothing special about me to make it stop attacking. Making me very frightened of it's eventual bite. It was a bite I can't afford to experience because, well, if I give up- if I lay down and surrender, it would break my childrens hearts.
So I kindly asked that wolf one day if it could go undercover in the waking hours when my kids were running circles around me, asking for chips, chocolate milk, a trip to the library, another piece of candy "pleasepleaseplease oh PLEASE!". I wanted that grief to disguise itself as someone who really had thier shit together... who was kind and gentle and understanding. As gentle as a sheep.
For a while we agreed. And I kept it together. And then I noticed something. The more I ignored that freakin' monster- the more I was actually able to start standing taller, more brave and bold and empowered, the more that wolf started looking like just a tamed little dog. Today, I still have moments when I look in the mirror and see that menace hanging out over my shoulder. But not today.
Today I wear this necklace. It's wool! It's made of sheeps wool, rolled into these little felted wool beads. Isn't this amazing? I have to confess it itches my neck a wee little bit... but it's a whole lot more tolerable than a claw stuck in my back.
The end.
xoxo

Day 6: You're never fully dressed without a smile

2010-10-13T06:12:00.004-05:00

I've been doing a lot of un-smiling lately. Mouth turned down with mourning, sometimes scowling sometimes sobbing, sometimes so heavy with sadness that it hurts to turn it into a smile.
So needless to say, who the hell cares about the fine details of hygiene when you can't even see the smile that needs that kind of attention?
Flossing is what today is about. Smiles are a pretty thing to wear, I see that now. I confess I have no idea when the last time I flossed was.. I know I know. The funny thing is, before this all happened, before I looked in the mirror and said "ugh, pathetic"- I was actually a flossaholic. I had little packets of floss everywhere: the bathroom, my bedside, my purse, my car... I can't stand that gritty feeling in my teeth. So I am shocked at myself for letting that go. But actually, not so shocked- because I let everything go.
Today my smile may not be as white as I want it to be (thank you 3 cups of daily coffee) but it's bright. I'm sure of it. And that's beautiful.

Day 5: Layers

2010-10-12T06:11:00.002-05:00

I think it's obvious that in the past 4 months (FOUR MONTHS!) I have been peeling back a lot of layers. I think the first layer to take a hit was my sense of trust. It so quickly dissolved to a point where I was suspicious of little moments that could have been an early warning sign. I started being doubtful of what was said to me, any actions that were meant to be a peace offering were handled with kid gloves. I didn't trust, I didn't believe that anything was sincere because I didn't know how long before the "big blow", things were fake. You know what I mean? When people are hiding things from you, they don't just hide it for one day and then break your heart the following... they hide it for a while, for a long time, for years. So I just felt like my trust was broken because of just how long that secret went on without me knowing... it just hurts.
BUT that's all I'm going to say about the matter.... there are so many many layers to my process. I'm trying to get myself out of the "you suck, therefore you are" layer with this little project. Which brings me to today.
Fashion wise I know layering is hot. I've seen stores lately who make sheer clothing with the intention of having them participate in this "layering" party. I didn't seem to get the invitation, because I pick up these clothes and I have no idea what to do with them. You know who does though? You know who I have always admired as a "Master to the Layer"? My friend Jenica. She might be suprised that I'm noticing this but I can't help it when she takes amazing photos all the time, some of them of herself, always with awesome layering techniques. So today, in honor of all the old layers of myself that I seem to be shedding, and in celebration of the new layers that I am building (and in homeage to an awesome friend) I present you with: Layers. A "sheer" t- a ruffly navy tank and a long beaded necklace (in my favorite deep yellow). You like?

Day 4, Turn Around Bright Eyes

2010-10-11T07:53:00.003-05:00

My cat is so vain... he likes to make his way into photos like, "oh! were you trying to take a picture? I didn't even notice! let me fix my tail..."
He is carefully monitoring my use of makeup this morning because, well- makeup kinda scares the crap out of me.
When I was in a about 6th grade, blue mascara was "totally in". Blue, MASCARA people... what the hell were we thinking. And "foundation" didn't have all these magical skin-match properties. There was "light, "medium" "dark" and they were all varying shades of orange.
I always wanted someone to show me how to do makeup. Like Carmindy . I love her name first of all "Car-MINDY". It's awesome, she totally works it. But I also loves how when she talks to women about makeup, FIRST she talks to them about how beautiful they are. She points out their best features, things that we may not notice about ourselves because we're so focused on our double chins, or our hormonal acne. Where we see flaw, she sees feature- and she knows how to enhance that. I want someone to do that for me, but for now I'll consult fashion stylist to the stars: Totoro.
He approves of my pretty today and even encouraged me to take it a step further and do a light mist of Ralph Lauren Blue that I wear in honor of my friend Tracy, who says that perfume is healing medicine. And as soon as the fumes die down today (ahem...maybe I spritzed a little too much?) I hope that I feel the same way.

Circus Act, Day 3

2010-10-10T10:05:00.005-05:00

Last night I poked myself with... myself. For real, I haven't shaved my legs in like, months. Today's pretty is all about illusion and contortion, you know- like a circus. Or a magic show, actually more like a magic show but I like "Circus Act" as a post title so I'm sticking to my guns on this one.
It's been difficult to shave, I'm serious when I say that the shower in our new place is the size of gym locker... I can't raise my arm without first bumping my elbow a few times. I've whacked my head continuously on the hanging organizer I bought to hold all my showery stuff. My ankles don't get as clean as I'd like them to because I can't reach down, I'll get stuck. And that is one call I do NOT want to have to have my kids make to 911.
So as I said, I poked myself with myself. In bed, at about 11 I turned over and felt something sharp, like a pine needle, or a sliver of glass, or- like a wicked sharp, overgrown leg hair. Um, ya.
SO- as a way to make today pretty, I found that if I completely contorted myself in the shower, (I won't go into further details) I could happily and with much relief shave my legs. ahhh...
I didn't think it was that important to do something like that. But (ladies are you with me on this?) the feeling of lightness, and satiny smoothness is luxury. A small luxury- which, I am seeing daily, is one of the ideas of this project. Why shouldn't I feel special? Is it pathetic that the thing that makes me feel special today is that I shaved? Actually, what made it perfect was lathering on some amazing lotion that my favorite wabi sabi woman sent me.
Someone remind me in about 2-3 days to do that again. It was awesome.

Now for the illusion act. Look at this comfy flannel shirt. Perfect for a sunny, fall day. Now normally I shy away from plaid, but look! This one has ruffles! Girly girly ruffles! And the way it's cut, it gives the illusion that I actually have a WAIST! a curvy womanly waist. And besides, this shirt reminds me of Elissa, who can totally rock the flannel, making her new life in Vermont seem chic and exotic (even if she has to shop at large retail establishments instead of the garment district- not that there's anything wrong with that... unless her big-ass shopping cart locks it's wheels, making her bump her adorable tiny pregnant belly against it, then there is totally something wrong with that).

So, Sunday 10.10.10 has been a feel-good day so far. I think I'm getting somewhere with this project, do you think so too?

Day Two, pretty with a cause

2010-10-09T07:25:00.003-05:00

I love jewelry. I love making it, I love giving it, I love finding it. I love finding it when I can also incorporate "giving" into it. I'm wearing these today because they're beautiful, because they're light and fun and because they feed hungry children, at least two of them anyways because of what I paid for them. I wish I could buy them all. Because it's less about the pretty today and more about the purpose.

Project "Anti-Loser"

2010-10-08T09:06:00.006-05:00

It's hard to imagine going through the crap that I've been through, that I haven't taken a hard blow to my self esteem. In fact, as I write this... I'm trying not to look at the faint reflection of my face that I leave on the monitor as I tap-tap-tap away because quite frankly, it's painful to feel good about it. I was, after all, left broken hearted- I wasn't enough, I wasn't the right KIND of person, I wasn't what he wanted. So. That sucks doesn't it?

I could have called this project any number of names:

"Project 'Stop Hating Myself'", "
"Project 'Feel Pretty Again'",
"Project 'Get OVER It'",
"Project 'Get my Groove Back'",
"Project 'You Are Not A Piece Of Crap'",
etc.. etc.. etc..

So, this "It was never about ME" thing? This way of trying to convince myself that I AM WORTH SOMETHING? This is how I envision it playing out:
"I do declare, from today onward to:
stop wearing crappy clothes,
and messy hair,
and stupid-ill fitting things
because I feel like a loser
and I feel like it doesn't matter"

"I promise to look myself in the the mirror,
to wear at least ONE of the following:
mascara,
blush,
tinted lip gloss" (
bonus for wearing all three)

"I promise to wear at LEAST one thing that makes me feel special:
a shirt,
shoes,
jewelry
a smile"

"And I promise to say as many happy things to MYSELF as I try to say to other people"
"I love your outfit!"
"You have a nice smile!"
"You are so polite!"
"Have a great day!"

And I'll post a picture of that effort every day
to remind myself that I tried,
that I DID find a little happiness,
that I am worth it.

Ready to follow me? I'm freaked out that I will disappoint myself, but I'm also freaked out that this could actually work.

Starting with my pretty little shoes that make me feel so fancy.

He is: I am:

2010-09-15T06:23:00.004-05:00

I'm not alone in thinking intense thoughts about the world.
I have this guy, my guy-
who has recently discovered the magic of "cool clothes",
who has suggested that he *may* or *may not* need Axe (ick),
who wants to wear a suit and a loose fitting tie and walk down the hall making "shoot greetings" (you know- where you point your finger and thumb at someone like "hey how YOU doin' "),
whose teacher just told me last night at open house, "this kid is FUNNY",

who wrote this poem,

who "wonders what the world will come to" and "hears the wind calling his name",
who still loves to sit and play with Legos, and tell me a hundred times in his sweetest little boy voice(because there IS still a little boy somewhere in that "tween" body) "I love you mumma",
who grits his teeth when his sister sits on his bed,
who eats 4 helpings of Parmesan risotto and begs to have the leftovers in his lunch the next day,
who "feels the warm hearts of the people around' him
who "cries about the loss of his family"

He cries about the loss of his family

Oh Buddy, oh my sweet big guy, you haven't lost anything.
Neither have I, well, not entirely anyways.
And yes, sometimes I feel like I've lost it all
and there are days, like yesterday for instance
When my "wedding song" came on the radio and I just about kicked it in, screaming "SHUT! UP!" and banging my fist on the steering wheel.
In that instance, I kind of lost my mind.
But when I look at the poem you wrote, and I see that you feel things passionately just like I do,
I feel less alone.
I feel more understood.
I feel so proud to have a kid like you that can elaborate what is in your heart, be brave enough to share it and inspire me to always do the same.

You want the moon and stars?
You got it buddy.
They're all yours.

My Truth

2010-09-03T11:51:00.002-05:00

My Truth, my contribution to the Visionary Mom series
for more information about the magical community of Visionary Mom click here
It was an absolute joy for me to tell the truth about what is in my heart.
Thank you Lisa, creator of Visionary Mom for giving us all a chance to speak.

8/29/99 was a very good day

2010-08-29T07:54:00.002-05:00

I was married to this guy.
And I'm really going to miss that life.

We're going to build a home

2010-08-17T10:13:00.001-05:00

We are building a new home-
not out of wood and nails,
paint or drywall-
those things already exist there.
But we'll be building a home,
a new home out of love and
kindness
sacrifice
and simplicity.

There is a yard
There is our cat
There is a barn with animals to watch; alpacas, horses, goats, ducks.

There is each other
and a whole lot of space for loving and healing
and
there is
the luck
of being together
and staying in our community
where we have our friends
our church
our family.

We move in to our new home, our new beginning on September First.

Why my life is awesome- a love letter

2010-08-07T07:19:00.002-05:00

Dear Awesome people in my life,
I love you.
You are rainbows in the sky you are as maginficent as this and I am so lucky to have you.

Dear Children:
Seriously- what would I do, where would I be without you? You make me laugh, you make me listen to Kiss108 to innappropriate songs, which used to bother me but I now see that they are a tool for me to teach you some values, some boundaries, how it's not okay to brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack. You let me in on your dance moves, your "how to pick up chicks" strategies, and you share your sillyband collection with me but you don't share the pounds and pounds of blueberries that you consume- that's cool, keep all that healthy fiber and antioxidents to yourself. You have stepped it up in taking charge of household tasks, you have learned to lean on each other, you have loved me and let me love the heck out of you, squishing you in huge hugfests where I just don't. want. to. let. go.

Dear crap that's going on:
I'm taking a week off to head for Camp Celiac with my boy, I'll fish (eww), swim (hello my new friend: long swim shorts), either be eaten alive by the teenage girls I'll be counseling or I'll walk away with a feeling that I meant something to them. I'm going to eat amazing food, all safe- all without the hesitation wondering "is there any hidden gluten in here?"
I'm going to keep my head up, because guess what? NOBODY knows what's going on in this broken heart. I can give what's happening a break, I can put it aside to just truly LIVE in the moment. And hopefully when I get back, I will have trained myself to do that- to live in the moment, to see how awesome my life is, to appreciate every moment.

Have a great week, it will be weird to be so "off the grid" but when I get back Saturday- I'll most likely have amazing camp stories to tell.

XOXO
love, kat.

Nice to meet you

2010-08-05T13:47:00.004-05:00

I see you!
Well, I see where you live.
I see that you visit me and I am so flattered!
I see that you are shy, that you may not want me to know you're here but, I just got this handy little thing:
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there... do you see that awesome new gadget I put on there? Well you'll have to look a little lower in my sidebar- under my facbook badge but do you see it? That other new thing..besides my awesome new "email me" button and my awesome new thingy that allows you to share my posts.

that shows me you're here, it shows me where you are but it doesn't show me WHO you are (although some of you are totally obvious)
I want you to know that I care about who you are... I want to get to know you- can you tell me your name (and I'm guessing it's not Inigo Montoya)

Say hello!

The Story

2010-07-22T17:42:00.006-05:00

A few nights ago I got together with some amazing storytellers. We created and mingled and told our stories- and then literally wore our stories. It was such a wonderful evening- sitting with these ladies, finding our creative wiggle (that's how I taught Iris to hula-hoop, I kept telling her to "find her wiggle" and she did!).
It's funny, because we sat there creating together and I'm pretty sure that when each of us were creating- we were probably thinking of the story we were trying to tell. And even though we didn't get to "hear" each other's "stories" that we were "telling" with our piece, we got to admire, and compliment, and show technique's, and share materials, and laugh and get all serious-like... and those are probably the same things we would do if one of us were to stand up, like we were giving a speech- and tell our story.
But we didn't.
And yet we still benefited from each others feedback, advice, support.
It was pretty freakin' awesome.

Someday- I'll be able to tell my whole story of what's going on here.
But for now, I would like for you to know that my heart is broken,
my marriage is over,
my husband will not be my husband anymore
and that I know I'll be alright.
Someday.
Hopefully soon.

I know I'll be alright because when I DO tell my story- to my friends and my family and those close to me in my everyday life... when they let me talk and cry, scream, laugh, bitch and moan and drop the f-bomb a hundred million times- I know that being a storyteller means that I get to benefit from all of their love and support and meals (J, A, and E- I LOVE you) and childcare (and mama-care) (C, S, M, T, C, K, I LOVE you) as they listen to all of this.
I know that if I choose to keep this story inside, than I choose not to let people in. I know that if it weren't for me taking a deep breath and saying the words- I wouldn't feel the deep deep care of many hands and hearts lifting me up.

My people are THE people who are making my story hopeful, healing, reflective.

And that, is my story

Evolution of a broken heart... in art form.

2010-07-11T20:50:00.008-05:00

I started with an emptiness that I held in my arms... and a slight imprisonment started to fall over me

then the threads of silver and gold wrapped themselves furiously around me, really pinning me down, not letting me escape easily

for a moment there, I believed that I was raking a garden that was going to be filled with joyful, hopeful thoughts, where light would start to grow...

I carefully tended it... waiting to see what would come and illuminate the emptiness in my arms

but... then.. something terrible and sad occured that crushed dark, mottled color into each crevice...

I almost found a way to the light... but stayed rooted in the dimness of my sorrow. And here I stay.

dark matter

2010-07-06T10:28:00.002-05:00

if I turned myself inside out this is what you would see: pink sky, flowers clinging, a glass orb and dark dark matter floating around putting a shadow on everything.
I feel like when I look at this photo it's some kind of warning- like I'm starting to drip into this place, this black and mottled place.
Should I be on high alert that this is a dangerous place or should I surrender because this is where I might need to be for a while.
It's a little hard to tell because those damn flowers are there adding a little bit of sunshine- holding me in the middle of this darkness where I could go either way.

Batter up!

2010-06-29T18:08:00.006-05:00

I've kind of gone to a really really dark place. In my art. In my regular life I still seem pretty full of light, even when I'm bawling my eyes out all snotty and red-eyed. I have lightness, because I have friends and family shining on me. I'm NOT okay with the things going on in my life- I honestly can't even predict when or how that will happen.
I've been pretty introspective too... very descriptive in the way I talk and write about my life when I'm emailing or having a conversation with my people.
I say things like;
"I feel like, my husband died... and everyone else got to keep up with his ghost... and I got to be haunted by him"
and
"I survive the moments and then when the coast is clear, I mourn them"
and
"I'm so numb I can't even feel my toes"
and
"Is it possible for my tear ducts to malfunction from overuse?"
and other crazy shit like that... but what I GET out of this- all this talking talking talking I am doing is that I get to say what I feel at it's most raw. Sometimes I choose my words carefully- but it seems like my words are just flying out, knowing that they need to be said without me really getting the chance to choose them. Which, so far so good, has been enlightening.

And then there is what has been coming out of me on paper, or canvas, or cardboard or rocks or whatever the heck I can get my hands on to work out my sorrow by creating SOMETHING.

I told my friend the other day that I really just need to beat the shit out of something to get all this, this stuff out of me... we talked about a batting cage or a driving range having "disgruntled ladies nights'... ha ha... ha.
But a few hours after we talked, after I put the kids to bed, I did this... and it felt like I had just beat the shit out of air and it all fell on this canvas and looked like this when it landed:

it's not done, but then again- neither is my sorrow. And if doing this made me feel like I just hit a thousand golf balls with all my might- then can you imagine what it's going to look like when all that "stuff" I need to get out lands on page after page, canvas after canvas, piece after piece of art?

other mother

2010-06-22T21:15:00.003-05:00

I went and got my hair cut tonight. I needed to shed some stuff, I was feeling so weighed down and my split ends were literal. I needed to sit and be quiet, read trash magazines while someone fussed with my head. I needed to be spoiled. So I spoiled myself. Let me now rephrase that first sentence: I went and had a hair experience tonight. It truly was an experience. I was given wine, The magazines were still trash but they were a classy kind of trash. I was told to put my feet up and relax, I was given a head rub, I was immersed in aromatherapy. I was cleansed and my hair flew all around in snips and beautiful textured color just appeared out of nowhere, like I had gone to the beach while I sat in the chair with my eyes closed. And then I opened them. And I liked what I saw. And when I got home, Iris said "you look better than the mom I had before". Funny kid. I shed a little bit of what has been weighing me. Even if it's only like, a half ounce. But the point is, I came home from that and now I need to start figuring out how to be that "other mother". The mother who can get through this even though I'm kicking and screaming. The mother that waits until the babes are asleep before shedding the necessary tears. The mother who wears the sunlight in her hair (even though it was put there by some lovely little chemicals), who just knows how find herself again.

and finally... my wrap up of Sweet Retreat

2010-06-20T10:02:00.002-05:00

time for me to take a break from the sadness and celebrate my recent joy of being surrounded by the lovely women at Sweet Retreat. There are simply no words for the magic that was created that weekend... so enjoy the slideshow.

Personalize a free slideshow design

this was the moment

2010-06-19T20:49:00.001-05:00

this was the moment... right before the moment that broke our childrens hearts.

ring around the rosie

2010-06-14T06:46:00.002-05:00

I wonder how long that scar will take to go away... I wonder if I want it to stay there forever

all wrapped up pretty

2010-06-13T13:08:00.003-05:00

this is what it looks like to be angry and hurt and mad and full of rage and sadness... and keep it under the surface of something shiny and pretty.
But sometimes you just have to wrap it up pretty like a present that you can't ever open.

mixed messages

2010-06-11T21:49:00.002-05:00

this piece morphed into two completely different messages. Can you spot the one that is for me?

The ground beneath my feet

2010-05-31T08:59:00.001-05:00

The ground beneath my feet has fallen away. I can't speak yet, I don't even know the words. So for now, the things I create will speak for me.

my trail of breadcrumbs

2010-05-24T12:43:00.008-05:00

I have a very rich family history. There are Pilgrims, Daughters of the American Revolution, one of my grandfathers who had about fifty brothers and sisters half of whom were born in the U.S. while half were born in Sao Miguel and there was an eccentric great great great-ish Aunt who wrote these incredibly awesome books, and those are just a few pieces of my big family story.

I've been thinking lately that the buck seems to stop just shy of me; and now I realize that I want to be part of all that rich family history. I want to contribute. I want to be remembered.

This Saturday a little "tap tap tap' at the door welcomed in our local Census taker, coming to count our family as actual people in the number that makes up the population of the United States. Rad.

She sat at our kitchen table after politely waving off my pathetic excuses for dishes, dirty socks, crumbs, dried up markers (WHY do we always have so many dried up markers in this house! "if you like it than you should-a put a cap on it, if you like it than you should-a put a cap on it... oh oh oh NO NO NO NO NO oh NO NONO" ehem... anyways...). I was actually more embarrassed about the fact that my daughter was inside watching Spongebob on such a gorgeous, warm Saturday afternoon instead of outside dancing in the sunlight...

She got out her #2 pencil and gave the whole shebang about the process, she mentioned privacy, blah blah blah (unlike my sister, I do not claim myself of Hispanic origin) and then the last thing I caught was that the record that she was about to take of our family would be made public in something like, 72 years. 72 years? Who the heck was going to care in 72 years? Her answer is what brought me to all this... this wondering about who I was and how exactly did I plan to leave my mark.

People, after 72 years, can have full access to our census information? So what... why would anyone want access?
Her answer: "because your future family can use it to research their history; their genealogy, their ancestors".
Holycrap. I'm going to be an ancestor someday! Someday, someone who is related to me- will find me and want to know about me. Again, Rad. And Scary. Scary-rad.

So keeping that in mind, I think I need to figure out how to live with much more purpose in my life. I need to try to live like I'm leaving an impression and I need to find out how to do that in the most honest, real and sincere way possible.

I don't want to be the ancestor known as "the one who had potential that she completely ignored and lacked the confidence and drive to make the family history even richer". I want to be known as "the one who quite possibly made the most significant impact on the family through her thoughts and her actions".

I hope that I really can do that. I want to be significant. I want to not only make an impression on the future generations who want to know but for the people in my life NOW who need to see that I'm at least trying to do my part.

I'm making history already... won't you join me?

**I'm still working on my little wrap up of Sweet Retreat- stay tunes!**

HELP WANTED, prizes involved!!! PRIZES I TELL YOU, PRIZES!

2010-05-20T10:06:00.006-05:00

thank you nina beana for this wonderful (and flattering) photo. As you can see I love it so much it's now my profile picture.

I've been composing my post about the retreat for a few days now. It's so hard to really express all that I'm feeling so I've been taking my time.
While I do, can you (all 3 of you that read this that is... and if you read but haven't ever posted PLEASE SAY HI!) anyways:
Can anyone recommend an awesome but affordable banner-maker? I have no idea if that's even what that's called, I'm sure that isn't the name on thier business cards but you all know what I mean right? I want my page to be coolio... can you refer? If you do I'll send you a little present :) Just comment and then email me your address to:
k8.pevzner@yahoo.com

everyone wins!!!

from the mixed up files of Kat A Pevzner:

2010-05-14T14:17:00.005-05:00

this is a little love-note I left for the gentlemen who waxed the floor outside my office without telling me... leavfing me "waxed in" for quite a bit of time

I spent quite some time re-reading my stuff. Do you want to re-read (or just read...) a few of my favorite things?

I'm a grown up
love notes
farm stand
not the milkmans daughter
the list
eat the chicken!!!
"it's my favorite and my best" issue #2
why did I stop doing these little reviews? they were so fun! do you think I should do them again?
recovery-discovery (also known as "the time Kat got to speak ON AIR with Tom Ashbrook from On Point!!!)
tools
in celebration
string beans are losers
invisible-visibility
definition
it's happening!

Family Quilt

2010-05-01T08:22:00.004-05:00

I am such a lucky gal. Last year, in an attempt to try to make all my holiday gifts by hand I had my friend Cindie teach me how to sew. I made three adorable aprons. And, as a result I fell in love with sewing. Can you guess what I got for Christmas that year?
Since then, Cindie has taught me 4 different quilt squares and I've started (but, ahem, haven't finished) a wall quilt. In June, we went to the Vermont Quilters Festival. It was the TIME of my life!
I want to back up a little and tell you a little bit about my friend Cindie. I love this woman. She has been such a supporter of my art and of my family. She really made me feel like I really could do ANYTHING creative... I mean, anything! And she and her husband Rob are just so sweet and kind. I love how funny she is and how we always, always have great conversations. And I love that she opens her sewing room doors to me and guides my ideas. (I have "color issues"... which is why it's taking me forever to finish my wall quilt... because I keep taking it apart!)

And today, I am so excited about something that just happened to me via Design Mom. Every year she hosts a Mothers Day Giveaway, and for the past few years, as a follower of her blog, I enter every giveaway. Gabrielle Blair, (Design Mom) has such delicious taste in everything. I really love to check in and see what she's got her eye on. I know that she saves all her favorite sponsors for this yearly event and so I know that when she does this giveaway- she trusts and believes in the products and companies that are so generous with their prizes. This year was no exception.
And this I won.
Big Time.
AND it's a quilt.
Oh my goodness.
Gracious.
Me.

I won! I won!!! And I'm so excited to tell you all about it! I can't believe my luck that it was a QUILT package that I won... and here are the details:
Campus Quilts is an amazingly unique company that turns your clothing treasures into beautiful, artful quilts. With actual quilting! (I was so impressed by that... I love that they actually quilt because that means it stays together, adds little puffy warm layers and just looks beautiful in design)
They'll send us a mailer, we'll add our family favorites and mail it back... in just a short time (really... I am serious when I say that... we'll probably get our custom made quilt in less than 6 weeks).
THE POSSIBILITIES!
Since Sage was a baby, I've saved many of his special clothes... and now with Iris, I have a closet full of things I can't bear to part with. And let's not get started with Alex and his various concert, political, enviromental t-shirts. I swear, he has t-shirts dating back to 8th grade!
I don't even know where to start, so for now I'm going to keep clicking on thier Flicker Page for great ideas and I'll read over their glowing reviews feeling more and more confident that we will be receiving the greatest family gift: a quilt to reflect all of us.

Please go to their site, look around, get back to me with your own thoughts about our family quilt, put together your own quilt!
I can't wait to go through this process and see the end result... and I can't wait to snuggle with my little family under all of our memories.

THANK YOU Design Mom and a BIG THANK YOU TO Campus Quilts for their generosity.

Now... I should really think about finishing my wall quilt... "Oh CINNNNDIEEEEE... got some room next to your Bernina?"

Kind Buds

2010-04-29T12:31:00.002-05:00

gotcha.

these are my kind buds: joyful girls
and we are teaching each other to spread the love.

these are my little love notes that I'm going to tuck here and there in my community.

I love being kind...

Who is this person?

2010-04-12T11:12:00.006-05:00

Who is this person who plans retreats, offers creative services for best friends weddings, gets a new JOB for pete's sake!
Who is this person who stays up late cleaning floors, packing lunches, working 2 jobs?
Who is this person who is planning an inter-coastal birds nest/rock swap with a gypsy mermaid?
Who misses her kids during the day but can get her fill every weekend?
Who feels like her head will explode because there is NOT ENOUGH TIME TO CREATE!
Who has wicked split ends and no appetite for a haircut?
Who drives around with the radio off just to have the quiet space to hear the music of her own mind?
Who wants to paint? sew? listen to endless This American Life podcasts, build a fence, stack the woodpile, drive by the harbor on my way to work and be able to stop for once to see the water sparkle and the sailboats bob in the waves or look across the harbor to World's End and remind myself to go for a walk there the next chance I get.

Do you recognize this person

It's HAPPENING!!!!!

2010-03-30T09:37:00.002-05:00

Sweet Retreat :: Feed your SELF

when was the last time you fed your imagination? your body? your mind? your creative power? we would like you to join us in doing all of that and more on this incredible weekend retreat. what's cooking at Sweet Retreat? cooperative meals that we all contribute to, cosy beds and soft cushions to sit with each other in conversation and rest. and the best way to feed your SELF, amazing workshops taught by women who have many deliciously creative courses that they would like to share with you.

YOUR WORKSHOP LEADERS

nina gilbert :: visual artist
dawn mackechnie :: soul artist
jen shattuck :: word artist
kat pevzner :: jewelry artist
jen lapointe :: zen artist
sherry arons :: health artist
carrie rzasa :: literary artist
lari hart :: massage artist

The cost for two days of pure devine creative bliss is only $50. That's right no lie, $50.
Only 15 spots are available for the 2 day overnight however an unlimited amount of day retreaters are welcome to join us for $15 per day. Meals will be shared and ingredient responsibilities will be on behalf of each attendant. This not only helps to keep the cost down but gives each of us ownership in the purpose of this retreat, to feed our SELF and each other.

RSVP required immediately and full payment
must be mailed to:
Kat Pevzner, *********
by April 17th to hold your spot.
We welcome you to share this invitation with a friend keeping in mind that spots will be filled on a first come first serve basis
A wait list will be generated for spots that may become open due to non payment or cancellation.
questions?
call Kat: ******** or Jen *******
Cedar Hill Retreat Center

Circle K(at)

2010-03-23T06:30:00.002-05:00

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K"

Strange
Wonderful
Different
Heart Racing
Brave
Creative
Satisfying
Bittersweet
Exciting
Monumental

Lovely.

Allergies

2010-03-16T11:01:00.003-05:00

Iris is allergic to peanuts. there was a time, when she was just out of baby-hood where she had an unfortunate encounter with some peanut butter on toast and the memory of seeing her surrounded by doctors, I.V.'s, and swelling beyond recognition is painful for me.
We had been keeping her epi-pen in a zippered pouch (a freebie department store makeup pouch that scored with some purchase of lipgloss or mascara or one of those things). In it, we keep her two epi-s the practice epi- instructions and a bottle of Benedryl. The benedryl leaked... and I was sick of lifting the sticky bottle out to show the kit when ever we had a nwe babysitter. So yesterday I threw it away and made this fancy little number:

from Amy Karol's Bend the Rules Sewing. I layered an upholstery weight fabric (hello Ikea... I love you) with a cotton lining and a layer of cotton felt for insulation. I painted a white rectangle with fabric paint and when it was dry I used a sharpie marker to write the instructions. I added an elastic and a cute little button and it was done! I really like how it turned out. Do you?

I hope to the heavens that we never ever EVER need to use this... but if for any reason we do, I feel like having the instructions printed right on the outside, and keeping the pouch insulated from the light and heat will serve us well.

Sweet Retreat

2010-03-04T20:56:00.002-05:00

see that little grove?

that is a magical little path, that is at the base of a wide green field and if you follow that little dirt path through the grove you will find a small wooden footbridge with a salty stream trickling under it. Follow the dirt path through the grove a bit more and suddenly you burst out onto one of the most wonderful spots I know. The ocean. The ocean by way of private beach. The private beach by way of magical little path running through a grove. The Grove by way of the wide swell of a plush green field... and at the top of the hill, where the field begins... is this:

see that picnic table? I'll be sitting there... hopefully with coffee (or wine) in one hand and a pen or paintbrush or art journal in the other. This picnic table sits outside a grey shingled house that has open rooms, lots of beds, gorgeous rooms and a kitchen that CAN hold way too many cooks.
But I won't be alone. I'll be surrounded by writers, artists, book enthusiasts, massage therapists, meditation leaders, collagers, jewelry makers, wellness trainers... all women... all of us together. Retreating and feeding our SELVES.
May 15-16. stay tuned.

second verse, same as the first

2010-02-24T14:15:00.003-05:00

buried

but not really."second verse, same as the first" is just what came to mind when I wanted to write this post about another poem of Sage's that came home from school this week. I think that I'm blown away a little because for Sage, this is how he is able to open up. He struggles a lot with sharing his emotions and letting us see his how he is processing his thoughts. He gets frustrated with details and words when he is speaking and it's always been a little challenging to let all that stuff flow. So, is this poem outstanding? Well, that's up to you. But what is amazing is that Sage has found a process that works for him that allows him to just let it all out and that's really the point.
Just thought I would share.

Night, by Sage P.

At night I see the moon, the sky and the stars, the clouds.
At night I hear the wind, the crickets, the leaves, the trees.
It feels lonely and cool, and windy blowing through my hair.
The shadows made by owls, and bats with the plane lights to stare.
You hear the cars going by except for the witching hour.
Bat screeching, owls hooting, creatures of hte night they will give you a fright!

He is...

2010-02-22T10:21:00.003-05:00

have you ever written an I Am poem? This is a wonderful way for kids to really express themselves in a guided way. Some really profound thoughts can come out if they are able to follow a simple method. Sage has dwritten one in the past and he wrote another one recently. I love this boy and all "he is"

I am sweet and smart

I wonder what a bee see's
I hear a train
I see a big statue
I want to have everybody as my friend

I am sweet and smart

I pretend to be a space captain
I feel the world is quiet
I touch a rose's thorms
I worry about war
I cry when something dies

I am sweet and smart

I understand why the world turns
I say that war is bad
I dream about peace
I try to help
I hope that everybody will stop fighting

I am sweet and smart.

now it's your turn... will you write an "I Am" poem and share it with me?

We Are

2010-02-14T18:38:00.002-05:00

We Are by Sweet Honey In The Rock

More Sweet Honey In The Rock music on iLike

It took me a little bit of time to put words down for this post... so I let the beautiful music sit here- like elevator music, waiting to get to the right floor.
So now we're here. We Are. And what I want to say is this:
I feel like I keep trying to go on this journey of creativity...
and I feel like stuff keeps getting in the way.
I feel like my journey is just a copy of what other women's journey's are and not truly authentic.
I feel like the thing that was motivating me more than the actual journey was the possible exposure and feedback I was hoping for from other journeying women.
I feel like I needed validation that I was part of the group.
I feel like the group is kind of exclusive... even though they are probably more open than I think they are.
I feel like my shyness gets in the way.
I feel like my creativity isn't good enough.
I feel like my children need another glass of apple juice, another snack, another cuddle, another intervention from the fighting and arguing... and I don't mind- I'm their mother and that is my job and I love my job.
I feel a little lonely sometimes.

And

I

feel

like

I

need

to

retreat.

So- it's all good, it's all good... I just think I need to go into my own head and my own heart and really put effort into what I need for myself. Where I really find my own creativity. And although it's been incredibly motivating to get this kick in the rear from the several projects I started, my effort has to be for me, and not (as I've been doing) for the recognition from others. That wasn't the intention that I had at first,,, but the more involved I got with the creativity projects, the more I felt I was doing the activities for the sake of the project, not for the sake of my creative spirit.

SO- there IS one more project that I'm going to try to immerse myself in... and I really do want company for this project... so I'm going to try to reach out to those in my everyday life, those I see or talk to on an every day basis, those who I really know and they really know me. Because I need the comfort of my community. A physical hand to hold, a real, live, warm shoulder to lean on and my own arms to embrace them when they need it as well.

I'm going to try to plan a retreat. A womans retreat. And yes, I really do wish that all the women who I have made connections with online, but are so far in miles... I really DO wish that we could retreat together as well... because without them, without their cheerleading for me and my creative journey- I don't know if I would have been able to put the brakes on this car ride and pull over and take in the scenery.
I'll let you all know how that's going... what that looks like... but until then, please sit back and enjoy the music with your eyes closed and your heart open.

peace

XOXO

Pop

2010-02-03T12:00:00.003-05:00

just what we needed around here in grey-February land... a pop of color.

first I had to create a total mess... it's just how I work

then I had to find the perfect place. Ah! The dark and wintery fireplace!

and then I had to step back and admire a little... because I think it was just what this blah day needed

don't anybody panic... I'm giving myself some head space to continue my creativity journeys

Pardon my appearance, I'm under spirit-building construction.

2010-01-27T20:27:00.010-05:00

for jenica...
(blogger is being a bit cranky with the youtube uploads... so click here to watch it if it doesn't load. )

I've been downloading my own "faith, where do I find thee?" playlist within myself, it's so explosive sometimes that I may need tech support for my soul. BUT the important thing is that I'm finally facing a lot of the deep questions about faith, spirit, creativity, womanhood, motherhood, journeying, etc... that I've been turning my back on for years. More on all that later, for now please let me introduce
Assignment 26: share some music with someone

Ahh... Leonard Cohen songs... for my gentle ears I prefer to hear it from Serena Ryder. This is me sharing with you
xoxo

Procrastinating Overachiever

2010-01-20T09:18:00.015-05:00

this little wooden rainbow bowl sits in my window, filling up with beach stones and shells... kind of like what is happening to my heart as I complete these assignments for myself

I've been completely distracted by important things happening in the state of MA. And now it's over. And I'm sitting here with feelings that I don't know what to do with. I have to sit with the reality that I am going to be personally affected by future decisions and it doesn't feel good to me. I'm not judging anyone who has different political views, I was just hoping for the best for my own views.
And then there is this little problem of feeling torn about what guides me in my life. That will most likely remain a big question of the "big picture" for a whole long while while I try to decifer and figure things out.
BUT in the meantime, what I CAN do... what I DO have control over and what I WANT to do is to create.
So- without further ado... I am now perform the death-defying (well... that's a little dramatic but it was fun to say) act of (drum roll) accomplishing 7! count them! SEVEN assignments AT ONCE!

Assignment #12: what brings you simple joy
right now, what brings me simple joy is clearing an area of my home that feels chaotic with "stuff" that just hangs out without purpose and remaking it into a cosy little corner, or an art filled wall, or a well lit sitting area. Every time I walk by that effort that I've made to make that small piece of my home beautiful I feel warm and fuzzy... simply joyful.

Assignment #13: ask someone something that you really want to know but have been shy to ask. be brave. no is the worst that can happen.
oh my goodness... I can't believe I didn't see that this was the assignment because JUST a few days ago I accomplished it- without realizing that this was being asked of me anyways. I won't go into detail about what I asked and who I asked because she is someone that a few people may know but I can tell you that reaching out to ask these difficult questions, to someone that barely knows me (but is getting to) and hoping beyond hope that she was open enough to talk about her life, her art, and what she believes in was SO challenging... but I did it, and I'm so happy that I did, and she's given me a lot to think about and I can't even tell you how amazed I am about her willingness to listen and to offer her guidance. I was so scared about reaching out, almost embarressed that I was perhaps intruding or inconveniencing her but the results are that we have given each other food for thought and maybe even a kindred connection

Assignment #14: take a small step out of your comfort zone today
Today I welcomed in ideas that I had NO knowledge about. And I sat and listened to those thoughts and pondered what would happen if I took steps toward those thoughts. It was really nerve wracking and uncomfortable but also gave me strength to know that I had a search ahead of me to find what I believe in most, what sits within my values and acknowledge that things don't always have to be the way they've always been. That was stepping outside of my comfort zone

Assignment #15: what saves you?
what saves me is obvious: my children, my husband, my church, my friends, my willingness to journey, my strength in getting through the worst things I've ever been though and KNOWING that I did it, discovering that I can be PROUD of myself and CONFIDENT in my gifts... I have all those things to keep me afloat on the biggest life raft I've ever seen

Assignments #16, #17 and #18: give a small annonymous gift to someone (working on that... will post pics later today); make a table arrangement out of things you find in nature (again, in progress); and BREATHE... one of my favorite chants is
"when I breathe in... I breathe in peace. When I breathe out... I breathe out... love
and I find myself doing that frequently. Especially this week when so much tolerance and understanding has been asked of me.

Namaste, sisters

and then there's always good music...

2010-01-18T10:44:00.002-05:00

oh my goodness how this man makes me smile

wonderful

2010-01-15T13:27:00.002-05:00

the wonder of generosity

the wonder of nature

the wonder of light

the wonder of childhood, reclaimed

the wonder of painful pasts

the wonder of food, safe and affordable

everything wonderful is all around us

A girl on a mission.

2010-01-14T13:27:00.017-05:00

creative assignment #11- no words.
creative assignment #10- too many words

Holy. Mutha=Trucker... Mccabe has put it all out on the line for our little group of creative thinkers by handing out creative assignment #10.
I saw it up there a few days ago and I pretended I didn't. Then I remembered... then I tried to forget. Then I got panicky and then I calmed down and now I'm just sitting here trying to think think think and organize my thoughts.
The assignment is to state my blog mission.
Scary.
Frightening.
Uncomfortable and itchy.

but the more I think about it... the more I have doubt. Maybe that IS my mission statement for my blog. I mean, I declare right there in my title that "I am unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others" but I'm not so sure. It seems unfinished.

I thought that that was my blog mission statement but it's not. It's just what I guess I'm trying to achieve. but how do I do that? I'm thinking that my mission statement needs to outline exactly how I do that. And for me, it's a little bit of a mish mash where everything in my life intersects and affects my art, my marriage, my spirit, my children, the food I eat, the places I play and the way I reach out.

I was in the middle of writing this, it was sitting in the "saved" folder, unpublished and when I came back to work on it some more, I found a lovely little comment from another creative dreamer, >Mina. And she gave me some beautiful words that made me take a deep breath and quiet my mind and let my thoughts and words flow (thank you Mina) and then a wonderful email from Andrea (of creative dreamers)... just encouraging me and acknowledging my self doubts, reassuring me... it was perfect timing for both of them and it was just what I needed.

So- on that note. Here is my mission statement for my blog.

"Reluctant Mermaid: one woman unwilling to swim in the same direction as the others"

My mission is to see art, children, family, crafts, words and love as a growth opportunity by reaching out to those who inspire and to be brave and true while I do it. I am enough. I am enough. I am more than enough... and I need to start to believe that.

copycat

2010-01-11T12:00:00.002-05:00

Last week I was off to an amazing start, feeling SO confident about myself- feeling brave enough to call myself an artist and to never give up.
Well, this week... actually just today I feel a little lost, a little like "am I just a copycat of all these other amazing women that I want to be inspired by?". I feel a little lost in the blog world, a little like I don't really belong.
GOD that feels awful to being saying that about myself.
How the hell did THAT happen?

colorful

2010-01-09T14:49:00.003-05:00
look at how colorful our lives are... will you?
Today I didn't feel like creating with my own two hands, so I photographed the colorful life around me that our entire family created in our home. It's a rainbow of love around here lately.

creative assignment #8

little steps

2010-01-09T09:32:00.003-05:00

there has to be a process to my being brave. Taking small steps to get there. Sometimes I don't know how to do it, or sometimes I am marching proud but most of the time I'm standing still with my arms dangling, empty because I'm not sure what to do. So, if I'm going to take myself seriously when I say that being brave means that I can't take no for an answer, than I am going to start doing that. in little steps. tiny maybe, but still going forward. Like that Wandering Iris plant that you see in my kitchen window. Her small steps made her grow THAT high in that teeny tiny little pot.

creative assignment #7

If I were a brave girl...

2010-01-07T20:51:00.004-05:00

if i were a brave girl i would not take no for an answer.

creative assignment#6

as requested from a fellow Mermaid:

2010-01-05T11:08:00.004-05:00

I know these photos look a little dim but in keeping with .this great assignment, I decided to NOT to sit in a frigid little craft space anymore and make a warm little window covering.
My space is in a secret little place in our home. Hardly anyone knows that it's there and once they discover it they are delighted by it's mystery. It's a little hidden room, disguised with a fireplace and a door that looks, well, like a door that shouldn't have a room behind it. It's glorious. I can go missing for hours and my children forget that that is one place I could possibly be. It's mine... all mine. BUT it's freezing. Because of it's remote location in the house, it does not have heat. At all. No heat in a room in a house in New England. Those of you who live here know what I'm talking about.
A good portion of the cold air leakage into my hidden treasure trove (GOD re-reading that sentence sounds... ummm... a bit like a romance novel for senior citizens "after we toasted over a glass of Ensure, I invited Ronald to put his walker aside and follow me to my Craftmatic adjustable bed" etc etc... blech- let me start that over again) Cold air comes seeping in through that little window you see. I had some great, wooly leftover felt from something special I made for Iris as a holiday gift. I covered the window, embellished with Amy Butler fabric and a crystal leaf garland. There I go... I hung a beautiful thing today.

The List

2010-01-04T18:34:00.005-05:00

somewhere on the list should be, "Be more like the cat. Take time to just look out the window at the beauty of the world

I've never done a "list" before.... not for myself and my own endevers anyways. But thanks to my participation in this little honey of a project this is the year I make.... "The List". (dundundun DUUUUUNNNNN)
The thing is... I'm not exactly a list person. I think my problem is that I have a hard time distinguishing my "to-do" list from my "goal" list and then to add in a "dreams list" may be pushing my mental organization limits but maybe one thing that should go on my list is "organize brain. stat" it's just a matter of figuring out which list to stick it in since it could possibly apply to all. SO- I'm going to make three lists. I'll start with my "List of Dreams" since that's really what this assignment is all about. I'll move on to my "List of Goals" and end with my "To-Do" list (which knowing me, will be the longest of them all). Here we go.

DREAMS:

Someday, hopefully soon I dream of finishing my education. I've never had such a strong desire before and I think it's because I keep getting closer to knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I dream that I am able to educate Sage at home. He needs that. Iris probably won't but Sage really needs to be homeschooled.

I dream that I will own my own business. A collaboration of other artists and crafters coming together and guiding our community in finding their own creative rhythm.

I dream that someday I will travel to another country... a country that I can stay in and volunteer, doing whatever it takes to help them with their most pressing needs. A village with no clean water? A community wrecked by natural disaster? A school that needs to be built, children that need a safe way to live, farms that need to be cultivated to support an entire community? Whatever it is... I'm there.

I dream of building our family a modern, sustainable home nestled in the midst of serene nature (a waterfall perhaps? that would ROCK to live next to a waterfall) without harmfully impacting the surrounding area.

I dream about going to Tuscany, to the very place that this movie was filmed.

I dream of moving our family into an entirely gluten free/vegetarian life

this list will remain open, adding as I dream

GOALS (short and long):

Make a beautiful home, starting with curtains for my craft room.

Fill out FAFSA form

Paint the hallway an amazing color of yellow

stick to these little assignments and these ones too.

FINALLY figure out a family budget already!!!! GEEZ!

make. something. every. day.

this list will remain open, adding goals as they come

TO DO:
fold laundry
switch out cabinet in livingroom to store Iris's play kitchen things
cover the window in the craft room with flannel (brrrr....)
hang my "something pretty"
post office
check for ballet
call Orbit for my customer who has an issue with her car seat base
cereal? Mesa Sunrise?
definitely milk
2010 planner! Pier One? Got an amazing planner there last year for something like 75% off.

Here's the deal:

2010-01-04T09:51:00.004-05:00

Hey Kat,
here's the deal. you have to stop fooling around and making excuses and get your butt moving. even when it doesn't come out right. even when you find out that there is someone else in town making and selling the things that you make and sell. even when you covet the higher quality supplies that you think you need, when in fact you have plentiful shelves swelling of perfectly wonderful tools. things you know how to use, things you know how to make, things you know how to experiment with.
you have to do something every day even when it's someone else guiding what you make. you have to keep being inspired instead of being envious. you have to reach out and talk, ask questions, seek out others who are also on this kind of journey to ask for, and offer support. and above all you need to be brave, take risks, practice at not being so shy, build your own confidence and you have. to. fly.
Now off you go little birdy. Build that nest as big as you can. And then nurture the little eggs that you have created until they too can fly on thier own.

Happy New Year

love, your inner artist.

ps- not two minutes after writing this do I find this little gem and there are only so many words for when stuff like this happens, and I can only do one thing when it does. I thank the Universe for giving me this gift of guidance. Thank you... thank you thank you thank you...